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I recently went to a FT Island concert and it was awesome!
***

ok this is so random but hi blog! Can't believe this is how I return haha. I have another post dedicated to me returning to the this space, but wth, my life is as messy as this gets so whatdupp.

***

Returning back to the topic, it's been 2 days and I am still here, stuck in this emotional space still have not move on from the high I felt throughout the concert...and to think that I almost did not go...because it was a standing zone ticket, which I thought my 34 year old body can't cope, but heyyy, I survive! 

Hongki’s amazing as always. He is the CD! I've been to many concerts, but seriously, his voice is truly one of a kind. Ada satu moment lawak ni, there was this girl standing beside me, we're stranger to each other, but during Wind, we were so drunk with emotion, we hold hands! #tiber 

Speaking of Wind, that's the song that prompted this blogpost actually. Listening to it again, in 2024, I cry. haha. I don't know where to begin. So many things happened in the past 3 years I was not blogging, I have stop hoping for things, and when we're not hoping, we're not expecting, and when we don't expect, what's the point of anything? I self pronounce that I am officially dead inside.


However, listening to Wind, in Hongki's voice, makes me feel things! Mostly sad, and longing, but hey, it's a start. I am not entirely a lost cause.

Where are you? You left everything to me 
I’m looking for you

Sometimes, please think about me
Even if I’m not there 
I’ll find you and be there 
After wiping out these tears 

I will go, I will find 
I’ll meet you someday 
Even if my body is broken down by a cold wind 
Always

It's not any man from the past I am missing. I miss myself. 😢 I really really do. I am on way, I promise.

I'LL MEET YOU SOMEDAY

Thursday, February 29, 2024

 
Assalamualaikum

My relationship with art has always been complicated.
There were multiple times where I thought that I like art, but there were also multiple times where art hurts me.

When I was 7, my parents broke my heart.
If u remember Along magazine we had back in the days, inside, there was a page with only the character Along posing and we were supposed to colour him and fill the background with our own imagination. It's a contest. Winners will get their art publish in the next month edition. I excitedly draw and colour mine. I thought mine was super pretty and it would definitely get published, but, my parents refused to send them. I cried buckets. I know it hurts me so bad because till this day I remember the complete scene. I remember what's the weather like: it was bright sunny afternoon, I remember the colour and length of the dining table, I remember where each of my parent were sitting, I remember where I was and I remember why they refuse to send my "art". I was 7 at the time and in my excitement, I decided to write my own details on the paper. Things like my name and address, in pen. Hmmmmmm. I was 7 so of course I'll make mistake. So I tried to erase it with the liquid paper and this got so bad basically the area where I was supposed to write my details got so messy it's almost unreadable. 
So technically, I broke my own heart.

When I was 8, my friend broke my heart.
I had a friend, and if you read about my school life before I was 10 years old, I don't have that many friends, so she was special to me. One day, our teacher asked the class to make birthday cards for each other. I was excited. Me and my mom spent the evening making that card and I thought it was so pretty. I guess not. My "friend" tore the card because she said it was ugly. It's not as pretty as what she had made for me.




When I was 16, my self esteem broke me.
I reconnected with art at 16. It was all because the syllabus for Pendidikan Seni for Form 4 at that time covers a lot of pencil drawing; portrait sketching, layout sketch, shading and line art. I would spend hours doing just that....and I thought I did quite good. (Got A+ on all assignments). I was really enjoying it.

So when the art teacher was taking applicants for SPM, I applied. I passed because again, A+ material ni hahaha. Thus began one of the most depressing time of my life. As it turns out, taking the subject officially for the most important national exam was not fun at all. The thing is, art is broad. It covers a lot of area. Sketch, draw, colour, design, lettering, on top of that, there is a lot of material; paper, canvas, cutboard, watercolour, acrylic paint, and a lot moreeee. Remember that I just discovered that I like pencil drawing, even that was still very basic drawing, I don't know other things! I don't know how to colour with watercolour. I don't know how to design a logo and I certainly don't know how to build an oversize version of a perfume bottle! (The assignment at the time)

There were 4 of us and I was the least performing member of the lot. My draft was among the best (that's how I remember it =P) , because again, draft is only raw pencil sketch and shading, but in the actual test, I failed miserably (damn you watercolour)....and my perfume box and bottle, let's just say, everything was falling apart....literally I mean, I couldn't even glue them properly!

My self esteem was hurt. A lot. You see, I was a timid girl back in high school. Others opinion on me affects me tremendously. I received criticism after criticism it was too much for sensitive me at the time.

After that period, I never drew again.

***

2020 is all about rediscovering myself. Reconnecting with forgotten dreams. I started to draw again. This time, digitally. I try to make it a habit to draw everyday. Guys, I think this habit is going to stay. I love it soooo much. I love that I am free to draw in whatever style I want. No teacher to tell me that my lines are too thick or my drawing is not real, no friends to compare mine with theirs, it's been the best experience I have with art so far.



2021, I got so comfortable with myself, I created an instagram account to track my progresses. I am no longer afraid with how people are going to react. It was a slow progress, but I think now I understand what art really means; there is no right or wrong. "You do you". No one can tell you what to do. It's okay to go over the line, it's okay to draw that thick line, it's okay if it doesn't look real, as long as you like it, everything is okay. =)

P/s: If you need any consolation, check out Lee Mal Nyeon webtoon. My art teacher would scold me if I drew like that but look at him, he's a webtoon artist for crying out loud!


IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER

Thursday, March 25, 2021

 
Assalamualaikum

Me and my father, we don’t have the best relationship. We clashed a lot. I pun tak faham kenape asyik nak gaduh je -.- Tapi, biasalah kehidupan, bila depan mata, we take things for granted, it was only after we lose that something/someone we began to realise their significance. 

When I was younger, I never understood why we argued so much, and why only me? My siblings had no problem, why I was the only one who had to be petty and nitpicked every little things. Is it a first time father and a first born thing? I mean, I have other first born friends who's in a similar situation, particularly if the father is strict.

Now that I am older, I finally understood why. We’re too similar. I am the exact replica of Abah and unfortunately, similar personality clashes. I understand him now. I understand his feeling, I understand why he did what he did, I understand why he was him as much as I understand why I am me.

Now all I have is regret. I should have understand him sooner. Life would be so much better if we got along better.

***

I’ve been dreaming a lot about him lately. In my dream, he is well and healthy. We’re good too. Weirdly enough, whenever I dream of him, it always seems real. You know how most of the time, when you’re in the dream you sort of know you’re dreaming? Or is it only me? Sometimes there is even a door in my dream and if I don’t like a dream, I'll use the door to go somewhere else? No? Is it just me haha? Anyway, most of the time, I know I was dreaming, but when i dream of him, it always feel so real, I don’t even find it weird that he’s alive and healthy. The me in the dream don’t know that he’s gone.

Is this really how it feels to miss someone?


Al-fatihah (read) to my dear Abah.

RINDU

Wednesday, March 10, 2021



Assalamualaikum  


Let me put it out there, I don't normally pick up money related books. Why? Maybe because of all those time spend thinking about money on my 8-5 (I work as a statutory/financial analyst), I don't think I want to spend my time outside of work thinking more about money. Interestingly, this may be one of the reason why I was so bad at managing my personal finances. :P I simply don't care.

Then pandemic came, with so much uncertainty on the future, even the laziest of them all, me, was force to think about my own future survival. So I picked up this book and oh myyy, the experience is very far from what I have expected. I'd expected a budgetting book, book outlining practical ways on how I can earn more money or how I could save more etc etc. After all, aren't all financial books like that? Boy was I wrong. Well, although the later chapters did give some example on how you can do all that, the main theme of the book is not budgetting, but to transform your relationship with money.

Who should read it?

I wanted to say all, Everyone who earns and spend money need to read this.....but, I think it's a bit insensitive to think that everyone has the luxury to do all the steps in the book. The book discussed about money and financial independent as if everyone has a choice. While I am a big believer in "everyone has a choice,", I also understand, that sometimes, our choices are limited, and in those limited choices that we have, financial freedom is a bit far from reality.

So who do I think could benefit from the book? Everyone, who's not fighting for survival, who earns and spend money.


What I got from the book


Top quotes from the book

  • Money is something you trade your life energy for. You sell your time for money.
  • It is easier to tell our therapist about our sex life than it is to tell our accountant about our finances.
  • We think we work to pay the bills - but we spend more than we make on more than we need, which send us back to work to get the money to spend to get more stuff- that sends us back to work again!
  • Strategies you come up with for yourself in your own life often will be much more powerful than the advice of others.

The money trap

You know how we always asked someone "What do you do for a living?" whenever we want to know someone's job right? But are we really, making a living? at the end of our workday, are we more alive than we were at the beginning? How many of us clocked out thinking, "wow, what a day well spent. I can't wait to do this again tomorrow!" We aren't making a living, we're making a dying! Exhausted bodies and empty soul. Working more but enjoying life less.

Plus, these wrong terms that we use:
  1. Consumers - we are expected to buy everything from hope to happiness, we no longer live life, we consume it
  2. Disposable income - what else would we do with disposable income besides dispose of it?

What is money?

Money = life energy. We sell our time for money. 

and what is life energy? Basically how much your real hourly wage. 

and what is your real hourly wage? It's your basic salary minus cost associated to the job (commuting, costuming, meals, daily decompression, escape entertainment, vacations, job related illness) 

What is work?

Have you wonder what is work? Why do you need to work? I know a lot will say to get paid but do you know that there is a study on work satisfaction and surprise surprise, growth potential, communication channels, interest in work and recognition make a job satisfying - not pay.

So with this, now we know that work has two function:
1. Material, financial function - getting paid
2. Personal function - emotional, intellectual, psychological and even spiritual

This is where everything go haywire. A lot of us mix function 1 with function 2. While paid employment is exclusive to work, personal function is not. You can get the same emotional, intellectual, psychological and even spiritual outside of work. 

A lot of us now put more important to the time spend at work. We think we are our job. We identify our self worth from our job. Jobism (like racism but towards people job) is real. We judge people by how much money they are making. Value of leisure has dropped. Leisure now leads more often to loneliness and boredom, how can it not, life outside the workplace has lost vitality and meaning. Even the word time off is wrong, it's as thought leisure were just a few minutes of recuperation before we're back "on" a once again productive human being.


What the writer tried to preach now is that, all moments in your life matter. We need to reclaim control so that we have more moments to spend as we will, not as we must. The writer wants us to break the link between work and wages. We need to acknowledge who we really are.

Eg. Let's say you are a natural born teacher but you took a job as computer programmer because you can make more money, instead of saying "I'm a programmer" say "I'm a teacher but currently writing computer programs to make money". This way, our inner self matches our outer self too.


How this concept has help me?

If we are being real, I am still me guys, no book on productivity has manage to turn me into a do-er rather than a procrastinator, so no surprise, I still am shamefully wasting my time, but to the very least, the book helps me to realised that each purchase equals to a certain amount of my time. At least now, before I impulse purchase anything, I would convert that into hours and think is it worth my 2 days (example) of my time?

 In a completely different note, the book managed to make me think hard on my retirement plan. Do I really have to wait till 50 to retire? Am I okay with deferring my life for the sake of extra money? That, I need to rethink.

And in term of breaking the link between work and wage, I have no problem with that. I have always define my job as it is, a mean to support my various hobbies. Work is just a small portion of my life, and now I know how to define myself.

"I'm a writer but currently analyse financial data to make money," gittew.


***

What is enough?


Enough is when we have:
  1. Everything we need
  2. Nothing extra to weigh us down, distract or distress us
  3. Nothing we've bought on credit
  4. Nothing we never used and are slaving to pay off.
I love how the book ask ourselves to define what is enough for us. It's not some budgeting tool that tell us saving has to be 30% bla bla bla. But the book help us to be aware of our enough point. The writer wants us to get clear about money without cutting off individuality. It is not less is more, but what we ourselves consider enough. 

How this concept has help me?

For the first few months, of course, I still shop like there is no tomorrow. zzzzzzz.... but as I became more and more aware of my enough point, as I keep asking myself do I receive fulfillment and satisfaction from this item I just purchase? Am I chasing over cheap thrill instead of deep thrill (the purchase leaves me satisfied, content, and at peace)? Over time, I somehow stop spending. It's fascinating, really, for me to stop spending lol, but suddenly, I don't feel like I need that limited edition tudung anymore, or that newly restocked shirt, or the newly release gadget, this is what the book calls as accidental saving, I accidentally save some money without even trying! I wasn't depriving myself of anything, really, I still buy things that I love, but as I become more and more aware of my enough points, there is just simply not much thing I want to buy anymore. In January alone, I manage to save around RM2k plus. Seriously that is huge for me, someone who used to zero out her bank account just few months back!

***

What doesn't work for me?


Towards the end of the book, they were some steps on how to maximise your saving through investment and more. Again, I am not fond of any "how to" steps to earn money so I skipped the whole chapter.

***

All in all, this book is a life changing book for me. It has shift my relationship with money 360 degrees. <3


BOOK NOTES: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

 

Assalamualaikum

You all know how I loved to shop right? Well, if we're being real, I still do but now I have more self-control than before. Wahhhh siapakah perempuan ini? My wake up call is this question;

When should I retire?

As I was calculating how much I need to retire, to my surprise (not really), ehhh I don’t have enough? I don’t know why I think I had it all, and yang paling kelakarnya I was even having this impression that my company has some sort of retirement benefit padahal takde. Haha apakah. 

Going back to my retirement plan, my calculation is simple, too simple that my calculation could be frown upon by my accounting friends, my lecturers might disown me, tapi takpelah, I forget how to calculate future benefits or time value of money etc etc already, so yeap, if you want professional accounting advice, don’t proceed guys. Mine is really simple.


So here goes,


When I want to retire: 50 years old

How long I want to live: till 75 years old

How much I want as my monthly allowance: RM5,000

How much do I need

= no. of years after retirement x (RM5,000 x 12 months)

= (75-50+1) x (RM5,000 x 12)

= RM1,560,000


WHAT.THE.

WILL.MY.EPF.EVER.REACH.A.MILLION? NEVER!


Takut tak? I was scareddddd and this is even the altered version. The first version was I retire at 40 and live till 85. BERAPE JUTA PULAK TU? Seriously, I was like sempat ke tak nak kumpul duit ni? Simpanan pun takde. Insaf guys insaf. I want to change but it’s so hard, I was a complete shopaholic, someone who spent everything she earned, sometimes I macam malu when people thought I was joking when I said I don’t have any saving, I wasn’t, I seriously don’t have any, people thought it’s ridiculous and impossible to spend all that money in a month....hmmmm...no, it’s not impossible -_- .

So when I realised I don’t have enough to retire, menggigil sis. This calculation forced me to reevaluate the way I live my life. This is my wake up call to fix my shopping habit, and I did. Alhamdulillah. At 30 years old, I finally have saving! Although I have to admit, this changes doesn’t happen overnight. It took me around 2 years to reach this level, still tak betul jugak, sometimes I still make impulse purchase, I still haven’t reach the minimum level of saving (6 months salary). Despite all that, to see numbers in my bank account, I am still proud of myself, Good job dear self. ❤

I now preach for saving. I, yes me, has been shamelessly asking other people to save as well. Haha. Who knows that this day would come? I mean, spend all you want, but the minute you spend without saving, or you touch your EPF/saving for something not of a necessity, i’ll be there to nag you on your retirement plan.

I mean, tak takut ke kene kerje bila tua?

Unless you are a government staff, then you can ignore me, pension is king. 👑

Having said all that, I still shop guyssss jangan ingat I have gone extreme and decided to convert to minimalism. Am not. But now I have a budget. I set aside my saving first (everyone has been doing this for years I know), then I set a weekly budget and only spend that for that week. Fuh, berjaya. Sometimes kalau macam betul2 tak tahan nak shopping sangat, I buy gold. Lol. I don’t feel as guilty buying gold because to me gold I can resell if I really need the money.

My point is this, make a saving plan that is specific to you. You know yourself best. I boleh berbuih2 ceramah tapi kalau that plan doesn’t suits you, it’s still not going to work. Consistency is key.

Sikit sikit lama2 jadi bukit. Good luck peeps.

RETIREMENT PLAN

Wednesday, January 13, 2021


 To not be so hard on yourself.

Wah typicalnyaaaa. -_-

 Assalamualaikum

I should explain. In the past years, I never considered myself as someone who is hard on herself. I mean, if I was, why was I so happy when I scored 52 on my ACCA P1 paper lol. If I was someone that put pressure on herself, I should have aim to win the world prize or something...but I did not. So I thought I was the laid back, chill kind. lol. But as it turns out, grades were the only one that I don't care, everything else, well, to put it simply, nothing in my life was up to my standard.

You see, I am always interested in life, I have this big ideas on how life should be, I wanted that perfect life, I wanted to be that perfect being; which of course, is setting myself up for disappointment because there is no such thing as perfect in this world. Who am I to think that I am an exception. I can't and will never be perfect. So whenever I try to built a "good" habit let say, in the beginning, I would feel so good because wow I'd successfully done it for like a month or two, that's an achievement right? but then, the minute I felt lethargic and missed like a week, I got disappointed, I scold myself, and I gave up on it because why bother. I am going to slip anyway.

🤦‍♀️

Teruk sangat perangai ni.

And if I were to justify why I am such a procrastinator, I think this has got to do with the fear of letting myself down as well because you see, starting something means you have to finish it, and finishing something gives an outcome, outcome of something may or may not be up to my standard and when things is not up to my standard, I'll be disappointed, I scold myself, the whole things repeat itself!

This year was full of "disappointment". This is trying trying time. Nothing is normal, MCO disturb everything. MCO even kills all the "good" habit that I manage to keep. Productivity was out of the window. I was down most of the time. I was down when I don't work as much, when I woke up late, when I slept late, when I gained weight, when I prayed late, when I don't touch the Quran, but when I tried to look at the bright side, when I tried to appreciate the fact that I am not infected with COVID-19, I am able to pay my bills, I don't need to withdraw my EPF, I still have a job and the fact that I like it's raining, I instantly feel guilty because well, you insensitive brat, people are suffering!

Overwhelming year, I know.

I was so tired of everything I decided f**k this shit. I will not care anymore. haha. and I got happier? serious talk, the minute I decided that I will not care, to take things slow, to forgive myself every time I slip, I got much happier than before. I have finally become the cool ones guyssss, lol, sometimes too cool that I let myself do mistakes, repeatedly, because I know that I'll bounce back soon. This is all thanks to this thing I read online, I don't know from where I read it, I would have credited the author if I know, but this is something that passed my timeline one day,

"Each prayer time is a new opportunity to be better,"

Why is that so cool? You know how people say things like how each day is a new day to be better, while I think that's cool, thinking that each prayer time is a new opportunity to change is even cooler! That is like what, five times a day, five timelines to change your life! It's no more "new year new me," it's the "new Asar, new me!". I know you can't hear me but I am practically shouting now guysss! I don't know mannn, something about having too many opportunities to change just motivates me so much, and since I now have a lot of opportunities, I have stop being hard on myself, because well, now I don't have to wait, I can just bounce back in the next prayer time.

Who would have thought a sentence can make it this easy to stand back up from a fall.

And on being insensitive, this might be so selfish of me to say, but I decided to feel what I want to feel. Everyone has their own life, you have your own, I have my own, I want to focus on the good in my life, I want to be grateful for the things that I have. I have it, God bless me with it, I will enjoy it. I learn that I can enjoy my life but at the same time have empathy on others. We all should not be down together, we should understand each other.

So that's basically sums up my 2020, a year that I decided to f**k this shit.

Happy New Year guys. No matter what it might be, may you always find good in everything, Insyaallah.

BIGGEST LESSON OF 2020

Wednesday, January 6, 2021