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Underperformance

Tuesday, February 13, 2018



Is something that I suffer from almost everyday....a lot of the time, I feel like a loser....no, not on my personal life. Personal life wise, everything is a-okay I couldn't be happier. I am talking about work wise. I think it's the combination of both having to handle new region and promoted to a new job description...both are new to me and new things are scary. It's been over 3 months now and I still haven't adjusted.

It got worse in meetings. I am the most junior member with at least 4 years gap with the person before me how can I not feel out of place? They keep talking, discussing, words flying here and there; me, I sit there, in silent, sometime with my mouth wide open.

Do I think this promotion came to soon? Sometime I do. Sometime I even wish someone would demote me problem solve. But, when INM (region that I take care previously) people came to me, asking me stuff about INM, I know why I get this promotion. I know what my managers see in me. Allow me to brag, I am like the sifu of INM. In only 3 years, I know the region in and out. When in INM, I have this reputation of being a fast leaner and is really really good at what I do.

Too much? haha. what. I know myself; what I can and can't do. I am not the kind to underestimate my achievement.....but I am also not the kind to overcompensating my failure.

Overnight, I turn from this over performer to this really really low performer.

In last month reporting, I made so many formula errors, I would scold myself if I am my manager. Come on! It's not even technical error, formula error weeehh. My manager is frustrated with me he kept ccing my predecessor whenever I make mistake. How humiliating is that? I wanted to run so bad (talk about commitment issue).

I am like this succulent, going to die, but not yet.

However, for the sake of my future self reading this, I also wanted you to know, that this is not solely your fault. There is a lot on your plate right now and compared to INM, you have lesser support now. Your direct supervisor is new, your region manager is very hands off, and your SDM, well, she's on leave for 3 freaking month during peak period! so yeah, a lot of things were happening at once. Situation make you perform less....I think. lol. I don't know..whatever make you feel better babe. :P

If you're looking for a conclusion, nope, don't have one. Haven't find a solution yet. What I do find however, is this book I recently hear (audiobook) on "Lean in, Women, Work, and The Will to Lead" there was a paragraph about opportunity.

"Fake it till you feel it. Feeling confident, or pretending that you feel confident, is necessary to reach for opportunity. It's a cliche, but opportunities are rarely offered, they're ceased. There is no perfect fit when you're looking for the next big thing to do. You have to take opportunity and make opportunity fit for you rather than the other way around."

So I 'm going to fake it guys. I am going to take this opportunity and I am going to fake everything. I am going to fake that I know what I do. I am going to fake that I am not humiliated by all those cc email. I am going to fake that I am tougher than this. Fake it till I really feel it or till I leave whichever comes first. :P

2 comments :

  1. So glad i bumped into his entry.exactly what i feel right now.agreed with you that some time things didn't go well especially when back up for our colleague. We feel bad when errors happen. Nobody likes to commit mistakes and it is indeed very frustating when our superior didn't even try to understand our situation (read-high workload).guess we just have to bear with it and keep praying that Allah ease our work journey.

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    1. Hi Ai Nie, I know how frustrating and demotivating this can be! Everything move so fast it's overwhelming. hugsss.

      I really hope you can hit the pause button and take a break. Pause for a day or two. Do nothing. Shut down everything. Then, when you're ready, slowly tackle things one thing at a time. May Allah ease everything for you Amin.

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