it is not a big big thing if you leave me

Assalamualaikum. :)

HI!

Look at the time. It’s waay past midnight. I should be sleeping but here I am, writing. I’m doing this now as I think I’m not able to do it tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll be going back to semenanjung. Miss me?

Hehe.

At first I thought I’m going to be happy. Ye lah. Siapalah tak happy untuk kembali ke tanah air? Bersama-sama orang sebangsa. Dan dah tak ada dah rasa macam foreigner lagi.

but I’m not.

Today was too emotional to me. From the moment I woke up, I found it hard to even breathe. There’s this suffocating feeling, feeling like I’m sitting in a tight space, wearing tight clothes. I hate it so much it makes me cry. I cry almost every time. Even now.

am I sick? Am I sad? Am I mad?

Yes I’m mad. I’m mad at so many things I even mad at things from the past.

I’m mad at my father. Why he has to work in Sibu? why? Punyalah banyak negeri lain dekat Malaysia why here? Why he has to move to somewhere a plane away from me? Does he not love me? Am I too hard to handle that he had to move away from me? why?

I’m mad at my mother for asking me to do my practical training here. If I don’t do my practical training here, I won’t be having this feeling now. I won’t be spending too much time at home only to discover all of these are temporary. I’m mad at her for being so kind and makes it hard to leave.

and I am mad at both my parent. Why do they have to send me away? This is not the first time. The first time is when they send me to boarding school. Why do they have to that? Are they happy every time I’m not around? DO THEY NOT LOVE ME?













and I’m mad at myself. For being selfish.

Abah is happy here. Can’t you see? Everything moves slower here, more relax. Your father can relax here. No more congested road. no need to go to work as early as 6am just to avoid heavy traffic, no need to drive every day and no more coming back after Maghrib. There’s no traffic jam in Sibu. heavy traffic here means 2 to 3 minutes on the road. sooo much different that kl 2 to 3 hours jammed. And it is so selfish of me to even think of asking him to go back to the busy life in kl. Abah can’t even drive for long hours now. And you asked him to go back there? It is so selfish of you.

And then what? You’re mad at your mother? Oh pulizzzz. If there is someone who should be mad, it’s your mother. Fikir lah athirah. Fikir dalam-dalam. Sendiri ingat lah.

You’re mad at them for sending you to boarding school? Allah je lah tahu apa jadi kalau kau tak pergi sekolah berasrama. Allah saja lah tahu ape jadi. Mugkin sekarang ni dah tak serupa orang dah.

About doing practical training here, you should never complain. You got to spend months with your family. Something that even Farid is jealous of. Above all, you got the time to make up for all the lost times. Times you spent being away. Honestly, I’s worth it kan athirah?













I need to stop being angry kan? I need to stop crying.