TRYING TO COPE

Assalamualaikum

Trying to put content out there in this trying time is tough. I know a lot of bloggers and vloggers who's struggling to put something out. Why? to quote Raja Sarina from her recent blog post,

"To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what to write about because I feared that whatever I write may be a bit too negative or perhaps even too positive given the circumstances we are all in right now,"

It doesn't help that we, as a society is so quick to judge a person by what he/she chooses to post or not to post online. eg. posting something good invite comments like "she's showing off," "she could do more," etc etc and if someone doesn't post, people would assume that they don't care. #facepalm -___-

I guess I pun takut kene kecam rupanya haha-____- (not that I am someone famous but I do fear kene kecam dengan my 100 plus daily blog readers which btw, who are you guys? I don't recall having more than 100 friends, but anyway, welcome =) ) However, this would be my last disclaimer because I can't keep fearing things that I can't control, which is your reaction to me writing mundane stuff as if the world is not on a pandemic. I hope you know that I care, a lot. However, it got to a point where it's so overwhelming, I know that people should never over claim that they have mental health issue, and I am not claiming that I have a big issue, but I do believe in keeping at least, myself calm through any situation and reading sad, depressing news everyday is not keeping me calm or sane. :'(

I hope we all choose to see the good in people. If someone doesn't address something in public, that does not mean he/she doesn't care, when someone post jokes, that doesn't mean he/she is insensitive....people cope differently, me for instance, I look for jokes and meme when I'm depressed. Ask my friends who came for my father funeral, we laughed and joked around a lot. Was I not sad that my father is gone? of course I was, but we cried so much the day before, we were so emotionally exhausted it's so refreshing to laugh even for a moment.

So people, bersangka baiklah. <3 or maybe getting angry at others is your coping mechanism? should I not judge you then? omg why lah it's so difficult for me come out with a conclusion haha. Why ask another question? In all seriousness, what do you do if that is your coping mechanism; throwing tantrum and get angry? I hope whoever you are, you find a way to deal with that too may Allah ease your hardship.

Stay safe guys <3

EH LUPAA.

While you're at it, it you have a stable income and are not affected financially, if you wish to share your rezeki, please help to donate below. I love their Tabung Khemah initiative. This was started by Rico Rinaldi in private. Alone, by himself, in private, he rented modular tents for one of the hospital. He did not publicised it initially, but his kind deed was shared by Fazreena, and they (the local brand owners of Bangi Sentral) decided to chip in too, collaborate with medtwetmy to make it bigger, and they have been setting tents at various hospitals and KK ever since. It pains me to see how our frontliners are struggling to do the screening under the hot sun, but I never thought that this can be done, for that, I will be forever amazed at how amazing people think. Please please please Allah grant them goodness and your heaven.

P/S: Please please please donate if mampu. The reason why this is different than normal donation is because they are renting the tents, so the rental expenses depends on how long this continues, the longer, the more money they need for rent. I hope you can help share the love <3

TRYING TO COPE

Thursday, March 26, 2020

ONE SIDED LOVE

Assalamualaikum

First and foremost, I really really really tried to be someone decent on Ramadan. I tried really hard to stop myself from blogging about weird stuff like this but then I got mind poisoning from keeping the thoughts to myself so, yeah, for the sake of my mental health, let's just resume my normal self. T_________T

gambar sekadar hiasan

If you like someone just freaking say itttttt.

Sorry emo sekejap....haha.

It has been a longggg time since I watched any love centered drama...unless if it's really light romantic comedy drama. I don't know man....age makes me really picky.....and serious too. Unless the drama could add value to my life, I'll pass. #acah

Farid, on the other hand, watches everyhhhthang and he has been bugging me to watch "Her Private Life" because it's funny and stupid (when I say stupid it's not in the "eeeee ape bodoh sangat ni tak boleh brain ah" tone, but more on "weh lawak bodoh apakah ini hahahahhahahaha"). 

So I watched it. I should not have. T-T. While it's really funny and stupid, I was reminded once again on why I stop this genre all together; similar center plot....boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy doen't want to get hurt and vice versa, both complicate things because of fear of commitment, fear of losing each other as a friend/sister/colleagues/schoolmates. You know, same old same old.

So this is what happen in the scene that I watched today,

The female lead and the male lead are in a fake public relationship. The male lead, confess to another person that he's ending this fake relationship because he wants to start a real one with the female lead (awwwwwww so sweet). The female lead only know about the first part (his desire to break the fake relationship) and don't know about the second part. Now now, this is where things got complicated (it shouldn't be!). The female lead likes the guy but since she wants to save her own face, she broke up with the guy first before he broke up with her. *roll eyes*. and the guy kan tadi dah on the way to confess to the girl kan, he was ready with flowers and everything. and now he's bitter because he was rejected when his emotion was at it's highest. 

I mean, come onnnnnnnnn. Life is not that complicated weh. If you like someone, just say it. There is only two possible answer, yes or no. If you got rejected, it's okay. I honestly want to know why people fear rejection. Would you rather live with "what ifs?"; would you rather torture yourself and stay in a one sided love forever? Seriously? That's better than getting rejected and move on? (Moving on is another huge topic by itself, that's a story for another day)

For now let's focus on one sided love. For me, that's overrated too. We like to romanticize one sided love and be like "you don't know the painnnnnn,". Well babe, of course you're in pain, you're fantasizing! and fantasies deal with expectation and expecting something from another person always hurt. How to manage expectation? Confess daaaa. This stop the overthinking and fantasies. but but...."should I really say the word? I mean I've given so many hints already". Dear, people aren't mind reader. Not everyone think alike, not everyone can take hints. People are slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Just say it babeh. =P

***

p/s: If you feel like this is a dejavu, no it's not. I wrote a lot about the same topic (confession & rejection) throughout my blog. ='D (In my defense, the same thing keeps happening around me!)

***

On a side note, I am not belittling the pain of rejection. I know damn well that rejection hurts too. As said by a friend who's name has to remain anonymous if I want to still have friends (lol), she said that it hurts to be rejected because when you confess, in your mind and heart, you have all this huge emotions and dream centered towards that person and when he/she reject you, he/she put a stop in everything. There is no future together. This has to end. So out of a sudden, you have to let go of all these huge emotion and dreams, you need to throw them away, completely, it's frustrating, sad, and it hurts. I get it....but darling, at least you have an ending. Imagine living a life still centered towards that person, still with the same dreams, when in reality, to that person, you're nothing. Imagine that.

I hope you don't want to be stuck in time. I hope you choose you, always. <3

ONE SIDED LOVE

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Surrounded by love

Assalamualaikum

Hallo hallo. Guess what, I am blogging from Dubai now! I am out for a business trip. Will update you guys later about it...for now, I wanted to write about something that has been long overdue...about the people I have around me.

I was inspired to write about this when a friend asked me why my instagram's description says “surrounded by good people” (now surrounded by love). I asked her why she thought that it was weird. She couldn’t answer...she doesn’t know what’s wrong with it but for her it is weird. Then she asked me, “do you really think that you’re surrounded by good people?”

I reply her with “I do”.

Again, despite the many sins that I’ve done, despite all the kemungkaran that I’ve done, Allah still loves me. He blessed me with the best of everything. No one knows me more that I am so believe me when I say, all this blessing, I do not deserve them. Everything He plans for me so far has been perfect. Everything comes at the right place and at the right time....including the people that he lend me. My family, my girlfriends, my friends, my colleagues, random strangers I met, even previous TTM that I have M with, everyone has been perfect.

You have no idea how big of a blessing this is for an introvert. I do not go out to find this people. This people found and adopted me! Look at how perfect my mom is, how out-of-the-world crazy good my Todakians are (seriously, could not survive the world without them), my beautiful mrsm girlfriends, my sekepala Peneraju geng and my supportive colleagues turn friends I met at both BDO and SLB (so lucky!).

Now in Dubai, I am again blessed with good people. My KT supervisor is cool, my KT partner is even more awesome, we were friends since day one (may or may not bonded over Sephora). I mean, we are here to take over their job, some of them may be terminated, but they still treat us nicely. Really really nice. They even took us out for dinner, go shopping with us, introduce good places for us, and Brinda even offered to cook rice for me, I mean can anyone be anymore nicer than that??

With all this great people I have around me, with so much love I am surrounded with, tell me, how can I not be grateful?

"Do you really think I am a good person?" My friend asked, insecurely.

and I replied,

"If you are still in my circle, damn right you are," The thing is, I have very low social energy and my battery dries quite fast, I have no time for complicated things, complicated people, dramas, stabbing, jealousy and whatnot. So yes, if you are still in my circle, please know that you're the bomb. You are none of those things. Unless you're Farid. If you're Farid then you re the most annoying person ever if we re not related by blood, I would have abandoned you the minute I got the chance to.

Surrounded by love

Sunday, August 5, 2018

POTENTIAL TO BE BETTER

Assalamualaikum

What a good weekend looks like when you're 28?

Stay in and do nothing.

#ageiscatchingup

Picture source: consciouslifestylemag

Anyway, since I have a little bit of time today, I thought I write myself a reminder. Something that I keep forgetting.

"Not all the people that leave you or the one that you left are toxic to you. Sometimes, you are the toxic. You are the person they needed to be free from,"

I am tired about something. I want out. I want a fresh start. I want to leave a person. And being an INFJ, I know I have "door slam" issue. I know that once I really decide, there is no turning back. Once it's decided, no matter how hard you try, there is no more door to be open. There will only be walls....hard brick walls.

So this time, before I decide, I called Ayu. I told her how tiring this is, how self destructive this is, how I wanted out, how I needed to be out. I still care, I will always care.....obviously....but for myself, for my own mental health, I think, it is best for me to move on.

What do you think Ayu?

She lectured me with the same thing she told me before I started this whole mess in the first place. "I told you it's going to be difficult. I told you to not expect anything. I told you that you have to be patient,"

Patient.

I thought I have it in me. I thought I am stronger that this. I guess I have been overestimating myself. Then I started to think ugly-ly. I started to think that maybe this person is toxic to me....maybe this person is someone bad for me.

*slap myself*

What if, I am the bad one, I am the toxic. Maybe, that person need me out of his/her life for him/her to grow. Maybe, I am the person who pulls that person down. Maybe, me, letting go is the best thing that could happen to that person?

The thing is, there is nothing wrong about looking high on yourself, that level of self-awareness is important but what is wrong here is looking down on others. Everyone has potential to be better. Maybe, what's wrong at the moment is timing. Not because one is better than the other. Both are equally good, but maybe, not for each other. Two different people in a different stage of life. Maybe, that, is this.

POTENTIAL TO BE BETTER

Sunday, April 8, 2018

we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again

Assalamualaikum

So, he really chooses this path hah, he is really going to divorce his first wife.

I know that I don't have the full story and I shouldn't judge but let's focus on what we know for now. He is divorcing his first wife because of "tiada hati untuk meneruskan hidup bersama".

Personally, I think this is wrong and here is why:

Marriage is not a touch-n-go thing. or something you can cuba cuba. Suka kahwin, tak suka tinggal. Once you're in, you're in for life. It's a promise that you make to each other, you promise to commit to the relationship, that no matter what happen, what challenges come your way, you'll try to solve it together. Breaking up, should not be an option. Unless if you have abusive or cheating partner....well, actually for me, I may be able to tolerate cheating, may being the key word here (May or may not change my mind) provided that it only happen once, once as in seriously once, not once as in do it again and again and again but only got caught once; and most importantly, he should be able to justify why he do what he had done and I should be able to understand, I say understand, not condone. (Had to put in disclaimer in case future husband read this and decided to cheat).

I don't wish my husband to cheat (nauzubillah mintak dijauhkan), however, like I said, marriage is a sacred thing. To divorce, I think, we have to consider other options first, do that, try everything, and if nothing works, I guess, divorce could be the solution.

I don't know...Maybe I am the conservative type. That's why I struggle to understand reasons like "tiada hati" or "tiada sefahaman". Yes, sometimes, people fall out of love. Marriage is an eternity thing and eternity is a long long long period of time, couple get used to each other, they started taking each other for granted, in the end they lose interest in the relationship.

However, Like Pink said, "we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again".

Do you know who breakup over "tiada hati"?

Boyfriend and girlfriend! Not husband and wife.

Then again, what do I know. It's not like I've been married. However, doesn't the increase in our country divorce rate scare you?

we're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again

Friday, March 9, 2018

Dumped

Assalamualaikum

Last year I picked up a book from local writer titled "Dumped: A Journey of Lessons through Breakups, Mishaps and Misadventures" because I thought I was dumped and this book looks like something I needed at that time. lol. Although later I realised that I wasn't actually dumped (I know right, how blur can I be to interpret things the wrong way), I am still glad that I picked up this book.

This book is written by a Malay girl about her past mistakes and her failed relationship. What an odd combination I thought at first because honestly speaking, Malay, girl and speaking publicly about relationship do not go well with our traditional community. I mean, Malay girl was supposed to be shy, and naive and wait for our timba. Writing, talking about relationship, especially about how many guys you dated, guys you had flings with, is uncalled for a Malay girl. 

While I was reading her book, I got afraid, on her behalf. She wrote everything in detail. When she met those guys, where she met them, who they were in her life (not actual name), what went wrong and everything. I was afraid because reading those details, if I were her friend, or someone who knows her personally, it's easy for me to connect the dots and guess exactly who is who. Is she ok with that? For people to realise who she likes...even the ones she kept secret?

This scares me a lot. 

In my 7 years of blogging, never had I written anything about my actual relationship with any boy. Not that I have been in any but seriously, how naive do you thing I am to not have any near-relationship experience? lol. So I dropped vague hints here and there but it's so vague you could never guess who what where how why when. Which I was definitely okay with, until recently....because, this writer, Amal Nadiah, she showed me that all the mistakes, those fail relationships, they are a part of you. You can't fully tell a story about you if you omit that area of your life....and, is it really that scary when people find out that you like a guy? still? We're not in kindergarten anymore. No one will point at me and say "eeeeeeeee athirah suka xxxx eeeee athirah suka xxxx," 

No we're not and to be honest, I was just overthinking. As per Chris Rock, "no one gives a f*** about you," Besides, I think it will be nice for my future self to remember how at 27, there were moments where I could even thought that I was dumped haha....

p/s: next post would be about my recent near-something experience! we'll see... ok maybe not.....most probably not....ok never. haha.

Dumped

Wednesday, February 28, 2018