Unfiltered thought 1: Marriage

Assalamualaikum

I know right? WTH. This is the first edition of the series? geli gila..

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Ever since what happen last year...eh chop..I don't think I write about "what happen" here..wait..let me check..yup no! haha..sorry. for the sake of making sense, I'll tell you.

I ermmm...almost....sort of...have to...marry a guy that I don't even know. a complete stranger. It was sort of an arrange marriage...and here's the catch..It was all because of me. If you recall, earlier last year, Mak was quite desperate...but can you blame her? she has me as a daughter! So when she said she's going to look for one for me, I halfheartedly said okay. It was harmless at the time...and to be completely honest, I thought that's what I wanted too! I used to think that if I ever get married,it would be better to be with a stranger. clean slate.

I have always preferred that over marrying someone that I know...someone that I am familiar with because hmm hello, they know what I'm like...where's the romance in that.

Little did I know that the small "okay" that I said turned into something big. It involves a lot of parties..my parents, Nyayi, Mak Ngah, him, his parents, his aunt...it was huge! I was under a lot of stress during those period..since I sort of give permission to it, I was partly responsible too! I seriously almost accepted everything, you know, the "suka hati lah apa nak jadi" moment...but I backed off at the last moment...because as far as I am open with the idea of marrying a stranger, I'm not okay with being in the state of uncomfortable-ness (I hope this makes sense). 

Mak ask me to try...but I just can't.

Now, my whole view on marriage has shifted 360 degree. 

1. By now, I am completely sure, I hate geli geli stuff. I just can't. I am very uncomfortable with it.

2. I no longer want to marry a stranger. Point no 1 thought me that. Too much pressure. I can't be comfortable with a stranger that I know, is expecting something out of the exchanges.

3. I am now opening up to the idea of marrying a friend...someone that I am comfortable with. someone that I can truly be me around them...someone that has seen the worst part of me but still likes me. a friend.

4. Nobody in category mentioned in point no. 3 would ever like because well, i'm me.. who would like me? #foreveralone

5. Point no. 4 + turning 26 should freak me out right? hmmmm..honestly, sometimes I do...sometimes, I wondered what it would feel like to be married...but other times, I was like "do I need to?" I go back and forth very fast.

6. I haven't made up my mind..to marry or not to marry...but please don't tell my mum about this..if she knows that I'm considering "not to marry", she'll arrange another guy for me. -_____- Anyways, it sucks not to know what you want at 26.