Major depression

Assalamualaikum

Hi blog,

So it is just you and me now. I deactivate all my social media accounts. *mood swing*

The thing is, I just got back from Japan. I should be happy right?! but I am not....nothing to do with Japan. In fact, Japan is a such a nice country with great people I believe everyone should go to Japan at least once in a lifetime and learn from them.

My depression currently has more to do with what happen after Japan....well, technically it all started during the trip but what happen after just burst the whole emo bubble. While having fun, I broke a lot of things during the trip. It all started when I snapped my watch while taking it off during immigration clearance. I broke the strap of my one and only, arguably my second favourite watch I had in this lifetime. Oh my heart. The moment I held the lunyai strap, I die a little inside.

However, later that trip, we stumbled upon my watch retailer so I decided to buy a new strap for my watch...happy girl I was.....for a short moment....later that day, it felt....and this time, I broke the watch itself. the mechanical thingy inside. Have you seen your favourite thing, die, twice, in two days? I lose a big part of me.

Sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga, on the way home, I realised, my glasses now has a small crack on it. great. This is just great. I don't really love my glasses but thinking about the money (my most favourite thing ever) that I am going to spend just to fix it, haiiihhh.

And now, the highlight of it all, my phone, the one that I can't live without, die on me! Twice, in a day! I blame the repairmen for my emotional breakdown. At first, they told me it was the battery. They change the battery and voilaaa it's up and running again. In just 4 hours, the phone is dead, again! I went back to the store which is in Sungai Buloh so imagine me going back and forth to Sungai Buloh in a day. My Saturday is gone, just like that. And this time, they told me that the phone's motherboard is spoil, but not yet critical. So they changed the battery (again!) and told me that since the motherboard sucked the battery till it dries, I was given instruction to not let the battery die completely. As long as it is alive, my phone will stay alive too. I did exactly that! I went to sleep last night with my phone fully fed (100%), switched it to airplane mode to save battery, but, the moment I woke up, it died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope is the cruelest thing ever. and I got my heart broken by hope, twice (my watch and my phone), so tell me, how can I not be depressed? I even blame myself for sleeping last night..if only I did not sleep, maybe I can save the phone from dying? #emomeequalsdramaticme

This is serious guys, I never thought that things, material things, can get in the way, can affect how I feel. All this while, I thought 'can't live without phone' is just a figure of speech...what happen to me prove that it's real!!

I would buy new ones, if I have the money but I don't. I just bought a house. Proper house. The house that I foresee myself live in for the next 20 years...not an investment house. I love it, I think it's a good deal, my parents think it's a good deal but the 10% deposit drains my bank account I am practically penniless right now...and don't get me started on the other miscellaneous cost. The lawyer fee alone is 8k! Maybe this is the root cause. Me, penniless, having to worry about money, this is all so new to me. I am so used to having cash (which I worked for myself not something inherited) wherever whenever I want it and suddenly when it's all gone, it stresses me out.

and when all these super expensive things need to be fix/repair/replace, which will cost a lot of money, I just lost it. It finally hit me, my 'penniless phase' might not go away anytime soon. It might took me years to recover back the money I spend on the house....even if that's possible.

Why do growing up has to be this hard?

So what is the correlation with social media accounts then?

The thing is, I hate my life. I hate my reality. I hate that I have become materialistic. I hate that I can't move on. I hate that I am stubborn. I hate that I don't know how to save as a result leaving me dead poor. Most importantly, I hate myself.

and I believe, people who hates themselves don't deserve a social media account. Social media is for happy things, inspiring things, or even crazy fun things. I have none of that in my life right now. So bye social media, for now.

P/S: Seeing how emo this post is, thank God that privatising this blog is included in my no social media plan.

another P/S: I don't regret buying that house, like I said, it's a good deal...the problem is with me and my personality, not the house.