RINDU

 

Assalamualaikum

Me and my father, we don’t have the best relationship. We clashed a lot. I pun tak faham kenape asyik nak gaduh je -.- Tapi, biasalah kehidupan, bila depan mata, we take things for granted, it was only after we lose that something/someone we began to realise their significance. 

When I was younger, I never understood why we argued so much, and why only me? My siblings had no problem, why I was the only one who had to be petty and nitpicked every little things. Is it a first time father and a first born thing? I mean, I have other first born friends who's in a similar situation, particularly if the father is strict.

Now that I am older, I finally understood why. We’re too similar. I am the exact replica of Abah and unfortunately, similar personality clashes. I understand him now. I understand his feeling, I understand why he did what he did, I understand why he was him as much as I understand why I am me.

Now all I have is regret. I should have understand him sooner. Life would be so much better if we got along better.

***

I’ve been dreaming a lot about him lately. In my dream, he is well and healthy. We’re good too. Weirdly enough, whenever I dream of him, it always seems real. You know how most of the time, when you’re in the dream you sort of know you’re dreaming? Or is it only me? Sometimes there is even a door in my dream and if I don’t like a dream, I'll use the door to go somewhere else? No? Is it just me haha? Anyway, most of the time, I know I was dreaming, but when i dream of him, it always feel so real, I don’t even find it weird that he’s alive and healthy. The me in the dream don’t know that he’s gone.

Is this really how it feels to miss someone?

Al-fatihah (read) to my dear Abah.