Assalamualaikum
My relationship with art has always been complicated.
There were multiple times where I thought that I like art, but there were also multiple times where art hurts me.
When I was 7, my parents broke my heart.
If u remember Along magazine we had back in the days, inside, there was a page with only the character Along posing and we were supposed to colour him and fill the background with our own imagination. It's a contest. Winners will get their art publish in the next month edition. I excitedly draw and colour mine. I thought mine was super pretty and it would definitely get published, but, my parents refused to send them. I cried buckets. I know it hurts me so bad because till this day I remember the complete scene. I remember what's the weather like: it was bright sunny afternoon, I remember the colour and length of the dining table, I remember where each of my parent were sitting, I remember where I was and I remember why they refuse to send my "art". I was 7 at the time and in my excitement, I decided to write my own details on the paper. Things like my name and address, in pen. Hmmmmmm. I was 7 so of course I'll make mistake. So I tried to erase it with the liquid paper and this got so bad basically the area where I was supposed to write my details got so messy it's almost unreadable.
So technically, I broke my own heart.
When I was 8, my friend broke my heart.
I had a friend, and if you read about my school life before I was 10 years old, I don't have that many friends, so she was special to me. One day, our teacher asked the class to make birthday cards for each other. I was excited. Me and my mom spent the evening making that card and I thought it was so pretty. I guess not. My "friend" tore the card because she said it was ugly. It's not as pretty as what she had made for me.
When I was 16, my self esteem broke me.
I reconnected with art at 16. It was all because the syllabus for Pendidikan Seni for Form 4 at that time covers a lot of pencil drawing; portrait sketching, layout sketch, shading and line art. I would spend hours doing just that....and I thought I did quite good. (Got A+ on all assignments). I was really enjoying it.
So when the art teacher was taking applicants for SPM, I applied. I passed because again, A+ material ni hahaha. Thus began one of the most depressing time of my life. As it turns out, taking the subject officially for the most important national exam was not fun at all. The thing is, art is broad. It covers a lot of area. Sketch, draw, colour, design, lettering, on top of that, there is a lot of material; paper, canvas, cutboard, watercolour, acrylic paint, and a lot moreeee. Remember that I just discovered that I like pencil drawing, even that was still very basic drawing, I don't know other things! I don't know how to colour with watercolour. I don't know how to design a logo and I certainly don't know how to build an oversize version of a perfume bottle! (The assignment at the time)
There were 4 of us and I was the least performing member of the lot. My draft was among the best (that's how I remember it =P) , because again, draft is only raw pencil sketch and shading, but in the actual test, I failed miserably (damn you watercolour)....and my perfume box and bottle, let's just say, everything was falling apart....literally I mean, I couldn't even glue them properly!
My self esteem was hurt. A lot. You see, I was a timid girl back in high school. Others opinion on me affects me tremendously. I received criticism after criticism it was too much for sensitive me at the time.
After that period, I never drew again.
***
2020 is all about rediscovering myself. Reconnecting with forgotten dreams. I started to draw again. This time, digitally. I try to make it a habit to draw everyday. Guys, I think this habit is going to stay. I love it soooo much. I love that I am free to draw in whatever style I want. No teacher to tell me that my lines are too thick or my drawing is not real, no friends to compare mine with theirs, it's been the best experience I have with art so far.
2021, I got so comfortable with myself, I created an instagram account to track my progresses. I am no longer afraid with how people are going to react. It was a slow progress, but I think now I understand what art really means; there is no right or wrong. "You do you". No one can tell you what to do. It's okay to go over the line, it's okay to draw that thick line, it's okay if it doesn't look real, as long as you like it, everything is okay. =)
P/s: If you need any consolation, check out Lee Mal Nyeon webtoon. My art teacher would scold me if I drew like that but look at him, he's a webtoon artist for crying out loud!
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