Assalamualaikum
As mentioned countless of time, birthdays are important to me. It's the day when I reflect on a lot of things. On where I used to be, where I am today, how far I've come, what changes, am I happy with the changes etc etc. This is also the day when I decide what I wanted my days ahead to be fill with, what I need, what I'll keep, what I'll let go etc etc. Basically this is the only day where I focus only on me, the only day where I did not just pretend, but I believe that the world revolves around me. One special day.
I am generally in a good mood today. I try to push away negativity so on this day, it's generally easier to be on my good side. Even if I hated you to the bone, do this day correctly, you'll be promoted to the good side in an instant! but of course, it goes both ways to. Ruin this date, you'll be banned for eternity.
And you ruin this.
Whatever low expectation I have, I am always taken aback with what happen, Until it happens, I didn't realise that there's even lower option to the low expectation I have. Things that I think "eh, takkan lah," becomes reality. You could blame me for having expectation but the thing is, how can you not expect? and I really did manage my expectation. Told you I have really low expectation...but to fall even lower that that, it's just wow. Once I realise this, I vow to myself, never again I let myself feel like this, treated like this. I have to get out of this. It's not worth it.
Not worth it. Even putting this into words make me sad. Putting this label to the time and emotion I invested on the process, it's saddening. This is not my first time...but still, never have I thought my past experiences were not worth it. My past, each one of them is good experience, though painful. This time, it's neither good nor bad. It's just not worth it.
I feel bad to my friends and family. I feel bad that their good intention, good memories they're trying to built with me is ruin by my very own selfish greed. Despite their effort, I'll only remember today as they day I got my heart broken. I am so sorry guys.
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