Assalamualaikum
[Draft written on 31 October 2018]
Something that happen recently makes me wonder if the way I have been living is really hurt-proof. In fact, it hurts more than ever after I decided to be more open with myself. Why did I change? Should have stick to my classic close book persona.
I pray hard that this will go away faster or for that thing to fail.
*realisation came*
What kind of hamba am I if I submit only towards the good thing? Like when everything is all rainbows and butterflies, I'll be super grateful but when things are not, I suddenly question "why me?"
This selective submission has to stop....but man, it's tough. May God ease it for us.
Note to self: Never get too attached.
[UPDATED TODAY, 08/11/2018]
That down moment only lasted for about 1 and a half day! haha. I know of "that thing" around 8pm that day. Overthink about it the whole night; couldn't sleep at all! Came to work looking like zombies, Went back home early that day, watched K-dramas and sleep soundly by 11pm. Woke up, kapof, what was I upset about? haha.
As it turns out, the way I have been living is indeed, not hurt-proof but something I realise on this journey is, hurt is inevitable, no matter how content we are with our life, we don't have control over everything, so it's only natural for something to not go as plan/desired. What we can control, is our respond towards that thing....which thankfully, I recovered quite fast from it.
To give you a backstory, I seriously need "this thing" to work. How serious was I? I included it in my prayer, multiple times! Like I really told Allah, "Oh God, please give me "this thing", I was shamefully, ordering. I don't go like, "if it's good for me, please ease everything, if it is not, please give me strength to let go,". Nope. I was like "give me!".
So of course, Allah's knows best, I didn't get what I wanted, in fact, the thing that happened crashes that dream entirely. So this write up is basically to pin down what I did to move on from a really shitty situation in 1 and a half day. :P
1. Hit rock bottom
Be down. Let the thing that happen took over your emotion. Cry if you wanted to. Yell, if you wanted too. Listen to those sad ballads. Overthink about the whole situation. Doubt everything. Doubt yourself. This is not the time for self-love bullshit where you "Oh no, I am better than this. Ain't nothing can bring me down," NO!. You're hurt. Just let yourself feel the emotion. Be really down, like so deep down there's no more down after that down, really hit the bottom.
2. Talk
Well, this one doesn't have to be step no. 2. It can go parallel with step 1. TBH, I do this not for moral support nor did I crave any advises. I just want to listen to myself talking. I don't know about you but for me, the more I talk about something, the more I listen to myself, the smaller the problem become. It's not really a big deal.
3. Snap out of it
By now, dah dah la tu sedihnya. Snap out of it. What always help me to pull myself back together is to realise, this world is only temporary. I don't just say it, I feel it, with my whole body, I feel the temporariness of this world....and then I shifted my thoughts into something scary, "what if I die and got sent to hell," *goosebumps*
what was my problem again?
4. Pray
Lepas dah fikir mati, takut, pastu baru nak berdoa kan? :P Sorry the order turns out this way but this is the reality, lol. But yup pray. I do mine in this order. 1.) I thank Allah for showing me the truth, ugly or not, this is something that He thinks is the best for me. 2.) I told Him that I fully submit to his Qada' and Qadar. 3.) I pray that He'll continue to have mercy on me, to always look after me and gives me only what He thinks is the best for me.
Again, this might not be the best way to pray but this is what I do.
5. Self-love!
Now, bring out that confident girl in you. "Ain't nothing can bring me down!"
That's all. hope this helps. :P
P/S: Part of the reason why it only took me 1 and a half day to move on is because of my current level of contentment. The time period may varies for you, or even for my future self dealing with tougher situation. Take your time, slowly, this is not a competition.
To give you a backstory, I seriously need "this thing" to work. How serious was I? I included it in my prayer, multiple times! Like I really told Allah, "Oh God, please give me "this thing", I was shamefully, ordering. I don't go like, "if it's good for me, please ease everything, if it is not, please give me strength to let go,". Nope. I was like "give me!".
So of course, Allah's knows best, I didn't get what I wanted, in fact, the thing that happened crashes that dream entirely. So this write up is basically to pin down what I did to move on from a really shitty situation in 1 and a half day. :P
1. Hit rock bottom
Be down. Let the thing that happen took over your emotion. Cry if you wanted to. Yell, if you wanted too. Listen to those sad ballads. Overthink about the whole situation. Doubt everything. Doubt yourself. This is not the time for self-love bullshit where you "Oh no, I am better than this. Ain't nothing can bring me down," NO!. You're hurt. Just let yourself feel the emotion. Be really down, like so deep down there's no more down after that down, really hit the bottom.
2. Talk
Well, this one doesn't have to be step no. 2. It can go parallel with step 1. TBH, I do this not for moral support nor did I crave any advises. I just want to listen to myself talking. I don't know about you but for me, the more I talk about something, the more I listen to myself, the smaller the problem become. It's not really a big deal.
3. Snap out of it
By now, dah dah la tu sedihnya. Snap out of it. What always help me to pull myself back together is to realise, this world is only temporary. I don't just say it, I feel it, with my whole body, I feel the temporariness of this world....and then I shifted my thoughts into something scary, "what if I die and got sent to hell," *goosebumps*
what was my problem again?
4. Pray
Lepas dah fikir mati, takut, pastu baru nak berdoa kan? :P Sorry the order turns out this way but this is the reality, lol. But yup pray. I do mine in this order. 1.) I thank Allah for showing me the truth, ugly or not, this is something that He thinks is the best for me. 2.) I told Him that I fully submit to his Qada' and Qadar. 3.) I pray that He'll continue to have mercy on me, to always look after me and gives me only what He thinks is the best for me.
Again, this might not be the best way to pray but this is what I do.
5. Self-love!
Now, bring out that confident girl in you. "Ain't nothing can bring me down!"
That's all. hope this helps. :P
P/S: Part of the reason why it only took me 1 and a half day to move on is because of my current level of contentment. The time period may varies for you, or even for my future self dealing with tougher situation. Take your time, slowly, this is not a competition.
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