PAIN IS PAIN

Assalamualaikum

So this happen recently: I was working on my quarterly reporting, I was dealing with huge data, massive excel files, I almost finished everything, then my excel decided that it needed to be "repaired". Little did I know, this "repairing" corrupt the files even more. My pivots are gone, the number of lines tripled, tried to use "remove duplicates", that helps remove like 50% of the line, but still, there are a lot more duplicates that the function can't get rid off. 

It was 10 pm, I had already exceeded the submission deadline. I was heartbroken.

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to cry but you're tired and dry enough that you can't even cry? I know that I should cry, that's the normal reaction, but I was just too tired to deal with my own emotional drama. That was me that day. I silently decided there and then, I'll just redo the whole working, A process that have already took me 3 days to complete.

To my colleagues this is me keeping calm and move on. To me, this is not me keeping calm. This is not even me being mature handling a problem. This is just me, burned out and tired, running away from self care. 

If you don't understand why it is important to address each and every emotion u have, this happen yesterday, I cried....and hear me out, I wasn't in the office, I was not even thinking about anything sad and I wasn't angry at anything. I was just walking to my room, was about to turn on the light, suddenly, my eyes felt warm and tears started to stream down. Wow this is so sudden. The keyword here is I was not sad, my mind was blank but I still burst into tears!

I guess, though I thought I had made peace with it, my whole body, my organs and veins did not. I might get away with it now, but sooner or later, the unattended emotions will still come creeping out. 

This is a reminder for me, in the future, rather than bottling and suppressing emotions, I should let it out when it's due. Diverting from it might be easier, but it's only temporary. Don't be lazy, layan yourself, feel what you need to feel.

One more final reminder, be kind, always.

We might not understand why certain people react the way they did, still, be kind. Each person has different tolerance to pain and each of us deal with it differently. Don't belittle anyone's emotion.

I would like to end this post with a wise words from Tati,

Just because the person next to you is in a full body cast, doesn’t mean that your broken arm doesn’t hurt. Pain is pain.