RUSTY

 I need this. I need to come back. I need to create again. I need to feel like me, again.

The danger of being an INFJ is that I tend to mirror people, and lose my original self along the way. Recently, I got to know someone who's very different than me. To be with that person, I have to change/do a lot of things that I don't normally do, because as usual, I try to please another by mirroring them. I thought I was doing great, until, I started to notice some small, but alarming changes.

The thing is, because we're in constant communication, I don't have much alone time. I thought I don't need it, you know what they say, if you love the company, you'll love spending time with them. Hmmmm, turns out, I don't know myself well enough rupanya. I should have learn from the only successful relationship I have, my relationship with the todak girls. I love them, sure, but we don't talk everyday. The only reason why we work is because all of us need space and all of us give each other space. 

So, with that very little time I have to be with myself, I doom scroll, because it's quick and don't need much time and attention. and nowww, I rasa my brain is rottingggg. I have been forgetting things, it's scaryyyy. Yes meee, lupa benda. Even Emak pun perasan. Emak was like, "eh tak sangka ada benda kakak boleh lupa,'.

T-T

I need my super brain backkk. I need to be able to pull out receipt from yearsss ago. If I cannot be the one reminding people what happen on January 2012, what's the point of me existing #drama.

Something need to change, demi kesihatan masa depan saya.

I need my alone time back. I need to do things, for me. I need to start creating again.

To do that, I need to communicate, but I am an avoider, another bad traits I have. haihhh. The thing is, no one force me to do anything punnn, it's just meee, and my shitty mirroring people's personality. Hopefully that other person understand, this is not about that person, it's about me, refinding me.

RUSTY

Tuesday, March 11, 2025

I'LL MEET YOU SOMEDAY

I recently went to a FT Island concert and it was awesome!

***

ok this is so random but hi blog! Can't believe this is how I return haha. I have another post dedicated to me returning to the this space, but wth, my life is as messy as this gets so whatdupp.

***

Returning back to the topic, it's been 2 days and I am still here, stuck in this emotional space still have not move on from the high I felt throughout the concert...and to think that I almost did not go...because it was a standing zone ticket, which I thought my 34 year old body can't cope, but heyyy, I survive! 

Hongki’s amazing as always. He is the CD! I've been to many concerts, but seriously, his voice is truly one of a kind. Ada satu moment lawak ni, there was this girl standing beside me, we're stranger to each other, but during Wind, we were so drunk with emotion, we hold hands! #tiber 

Speaking of Wind, that's the song that prompted this blogpost actually. Listening to it again, in 2024, I cry. haha. I don't know where to begin. So many things happened in the past 3 years I was not blogging, I have stop hoping for things, and when we're not hoping, we're not expecting, and when we don't expect, what's the point of anything? I self pronounce that I am officially dead inside.

However, listening to Wind, in Hongki's voice, makes me feel things! Mostly sad, and longing, but hey, it's a start. I am not entirely a lost cause.

Where are you? You left everything to me 

I’m looking for you

Sometimes, please think about me

Even if I’m not there 

I’ll find you and be there 

After wiping out these tears 

I will go, I will find 

I’ll meet you someday 

Even if my body is broken down by a cold wind 

Always

It's not any man from the past I am missing. I miss myself. 😢 I really really do. I am on way, I promise.

I'LL MEET YOU SOMEDAY

Thursday, February 29, 2024

IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER

 

Assalamualaikum

My relationship with art has always been complicated.

There were multiple times where I thought that I like art, but there were also multiple times where art hurts me.

When I was 7, my parents broke my heart.

If u remember Along magazine we had back in the days, inside, there was a page with only the character Along posing and we were supposed to colour him and fill the background with our own imagination. It's a contest. Winners will get their art publish in the next month edition. I excitedly draw and colour mine. I thought mine was super pretty and it would definitely get published, but, my parents refused to send them. I cried buckets. I know it hurts me so bad because till this day I remember the complete scene. I remember what's the weather like: it was bright sunny afternoon, I remember the colour and length of the dining table, I remember where each of my parent were sitting, I remember where I was and I remember why they refuse to send my "art". I was 7 at the time and in my excitement, I decided to write my own details on the paper. Things like my name and address, in pen. Hmmmmmm. I was 7 so of course I'll make mistake. So I tried to erase it with the liquid paper and this got so bad basically the area where I was supposed to write my details got so messy it's almost unreadable. 

So technically, I broke my own heart.

When I was 8, my friend broke my heart.

I had a friend, and if you read about my school life before I was 10 years old, I don't have that many friends, so she was special to me. One day, our teacher asked the class to make birthday cards for each other. I was excited. Me and my mom spent the evening making that card and I thought it was so pretty. I guess not. My "friend" tore the card because she said it was ugly. It's not as pretty as what she had made for me.

When I was 16, my self esteem broke me.

I reconnected with art at 16. It was all because the syllabus for Pendidikan Seni for Form 4 at that time covers a lot of pencil drawing; portrait sketching, layout sketch, shading and line art. I would spend hours doing just that....and I thought I did quite good. (Got A+ on all assignments). I was really enjoying it.

So when the art teacher was taking applicants for SPM, I applied. I passed because again, A+ material ni hahaha. Thus began one of the most depressing time of my life. As it turns out, taking the subject officially for the most important national exam was not fun at all. The thing is, art is broad. It covers a lot of area. Sketch, draw, colour, design, lettering, on top of that, there is a lot of material; paper, canvas, cutboard, watercolour, acrylic paint, and a lot moreeee. Remember that I just discovered that I like pencil drawing, even that was still very basic drawing, I don't know other things! I don't know how to colour with watercolour. I don't know how to design a logo and I certainly don't know how to build an oversize version of a perfume bottle! (The assignment at the time)

There were 4 of us and I was the least performing member of the lot. My draft was among the best (that's how I remember it =P) , because again, draft is only raw pencil sketch and shading, but in the actual test, I failed miserably (damn you watercolour)....and my perfume box and bottle, let's just say, everything was falling apart....literally I mean, I couldn't even glue them properly!

My self esteem was hurt. A lot. You see, I was a timid girl back in high school. Others opinion on me affects me tremendously. I received criticism after criticism it was too much for sensitive me at the time.

After that period, I never drew again.

***

2020 is all about rediscovering myself. Reconnecting with forgotten dreams. I started to draw again. This time, digitally. I try to make it a habit to draw everyday. Guys, I think this habit is going to stay. I love it soooo much. I love that I am free to draw in whatever style I want. No teacher to tell me that my lines are too thick or my drawing is not real, no friends to compare mine with theirs, it's been the best experience I have with art so far.

2021, I got so comfortable with myself, I created an instagram account to track my progresses. I am no longer afraid with how people are going to react. It was a slow progress, but I think now I understand what art really means; there is no right or wrong. "You do you". No one can tell you what to do. It's okay to go over the line, it's okay to draw that thick line, it's okay if it doesn't look real, as long as you like it, everything is okay. =)

P/s: If you need any consolation, check out Lee Mal Nyeon webtoon. My art teacher would scold me if I drew like that but look at him, he's a webtoon artist for crying out loud!

IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER

Thursday, March 25, 2021

RINDU

 

Assalamualaikum

Me and my father, we don’t have the best relationship. We clashed a lot. I pun tak faham kenape asyik nak gaduh je -.- Tapi, biasalah kehidupan, bila depan mata, we take things for granted, it was only after we lose that something/someone we began to realise their significance. 

When I was younger, I never understood why we argued so much, and why only me? My siblings had no problem, why I was the only one who had to be petty and nitpicked every little things. Is it a first time father and a first born thing? I mean, I have other first born friends who's in a similar situation, particularly if the father is strict.

Now that I am older, I finally understood why. We’re too similar. I am the exact replica of Abah and unfortunately, similar personality clashes. I understand him now. I understand his feeling, I understand why he did what he did, I understand why he was him as much as I understand why I am me.

Now all I have is regret. I should have understand him sooner. Life would be so much better if we got along better.

***

I’ve been dreaming a lot about him lately. In my dream, he is well and healthy. We’re good too. Weirdly enough, whenever I dream of him, it always seems real. You know how most of the time, when you’re in the dream you sort of know you’re dreaming? Or is it only me? Sometimes there is even a door in my dream and if I don’t like a dream, I'll use the door to go somewhere else? No? Is it just me haha? Anyway, most of the time, I know I was dreaming, but when i dream of him, it always feel so real, I don’t even find it weird that he’s alive and healthy. The me in the dream don’t know that he’s gone.

Is this really how it feels to miss someone?

Al-fatihah (read) to my dear Abah.

RINDU

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

BOOK NOTES: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Assalamualaikum  

Let me put it out there, I don't normally pick up money related books. Why? Maybe because of all those time spend thinking about money on my 8-5 (I work as a statutory/financial analyst), I don't think I want to spend my time outside of work thinking more about money. Interestingly, this may be one of the reason why I was so bad at managing my personal finances. :P I simply don't care.

Then pandemic came, with so much uncertainty on the future, even the laziest of them all, me, was force to think about my own future survival. So I picked up this book and oh myyy, the experience is very far from what I have expected. I'd expected a budgetting book, book outlining practical ways on how I can earn more money or how I could save more etc etc. After all, aren't all financial books like that? Boy was I wrong. Well, although the later chapters did give some example on how you can do all that, the main theme of the book is not budgetting, but to transform your relationship with money.

Who should read it?

I wanted to say all, Everyone who earns and spend money need to read this.....but, I think it's a bit insensitive to think that everyone has the luxury to do all the steps in the book. The book discussed about money and financial independent as if everyone has a choice. While I am a big believer in "everyone has a choice,", I also understand, that sometimes, our choices are limited, and in those limited choices that we have, financial freedom is a bit far from reality.

So who do I think could benefit from the book? Everyone, who's not fighting for survival, who earns and spend money.

What I got from the book

Top quotes from the book

• Money is something you trade your life energy for. You sell your time for money.
• It is easier to tell our therapist about our sex life than it is to tell our accountant about our finances.
• We think we work to pay the bills - but we spend more than we make on more than we need, which send us back to work to get the money to spend to get more stuff- that sends us back to work again!
• Strategies you come up with for yourself in your own life often will be much more powerful than the advice of others.

The money trap

You know how we always asked someone "What do you do for a living?" whenever we want to know someone's job right? But are we really, making a living? at the end of our workday, are we more alive than we were at the beginning? How many of us clocked out thinking, "wow, what a day well spent. I can't wait to do this again tomorrow!" We aren't making a living, we're making a dying! Exhausted bodies and empty soul. Working more but enjoying life less.

Plus, these wrong terms that we use:

1. Consumers - we are expected to buy everything from hope to happiness, we no longer live life, we consume it
2. Disposable income - what else would we do with disposable income besides dispose of it?

What is money?

Money = life energy. We sell our time for money. 

and what is life energy? Basically how much your real hourly wage. 

and what is your real hourly wage? It's your basic salary minus cost associated to the job (commuting, costuming, meals, daily decompression, escape entertainment, vacations, job related illness) 

What is work?

Have you wonder what is work? Why do you need to work? I know a lot will say to get paid but do you know that there is a study on work satisfaction and surprise surprise, growth potential, communication channels, interest in work and recognition make a job satisfying - not pay.

So with this, now we know that work has two function:

1. Material, financial function - getting paid

2. Personal function - emotional, intellectual, psychological and even spiritual

This is where everything go haywire. A lot of us mix function 1 with function 2. While paid employment is exclusive to work, personal function is not. You can get the same emotional, intellectual, psychological and even spiritual outside of work. 

A lot of us now put more important to the time spend at work. We think we are our job. We identify our self worth from our job. Jobism (like racism but towards people job) is real. We judge people by how much money they are making. Value of leisure has dropped. Leisure now leads more often to loneliness and boredom, how can it not, life outside the workplace has lost vitality and meaning. Even the word time off is wrong, it's as thought leisure were just a few minutes of recuperation before we're back "on" a once again productive human being.

What the writer tried to preach now is that, all moments in your life matter. We need to reclaim control so that we have more moments to spend as we will, not as we must. The writer wants us to break the link between work and wages. We need to acknowledge who we really are.

Eg. Let's say you are a natural born teacher but you took a job as computer programmer because you can make more money, instead of saying "I'm a programmer" say "I'm a teacher but currently writing computer programs to make money". This way, our inner self matches our outer self too.

How this concept has help me?

If we are being real, I am still me guys, no book on productivity has manage to turn me into a do-er rather than a procrastinator, so no surprise, I still am shamefully wasting my time, but to the very least, the book helps me to realised that each purchase equals to a certain amount of my time. At least now, before I impulse purchase anything, I would convert that into hours and think is it worth my 2 days (example) of my time?

 In a completely different note, the book managed to make me think hard on my retirement plan. Do I really have to wait till 50 to retire? Am I okay with deferring my life for the sake of extra money? That, I need to rethink.

And in term of breaking the link between work and wage, I have no problem with that. I have always define my job as it is, a mean to support my various hobbies. Work is just a small portion of my life, and now I know how to define myself.

"I'm a writer but currently analyse financial data to make money," gittew.

***

What is enough?

Enough is when we have:

1. Everything we need
2. Nothing extra to weigh us down, distract or distress us
3. Nothing we've bought on credit
4. Nothing we never used and are slaving to pay off.

I love how the book ask ourselves to define what is enough for us. It's not some budgeting tool that tell us saving has to be 30% bla bla bla. But the book help us to be aware of our enough point. The writer wants us to get clear about money without cutting off individuality. It is not less is more, but what we ourselves consider enough. 

How this concept has help me?

For the first few months, of course, I still shop like there is no tomorrow. zzzzzzz.... but as I became more and more aware of my enough point, as I keep asking myself do I receive fulfillment and satisfaction from this item I just purchase? Am I chasing over cheap thrill instead of deep thrill (the purchase leaves me satisfied, content, and at peace)? Over time, I somehow stop spending. It's fascinating, really, for me to stop spending lol, but suddenly, I don't feel like I need that limited edition tudung anymore, or that newly restocked shirt, or the newly release gadget, this is what the book calls as accidental saving, I accidentally save some money without even trying! I wasn't depriving myself of anything, really, I still buy things that I love, but as I become more and more aware of my enough points, there is just simply not much thing I want to buy anymore. In January alone, I manage to save around RM2k plus. Seriously that is huge for me, someone who used to zero out her bank account just few months back!

***

What doesn't work for me?

Towards the end of the book, they were some steps on how to maximise your saving through investment and more. Again, I am not fond of any "how to" steps to earn money so I skipped the whole chapter.

***

All in all, this book is a life changing book for me. It has shift my relationship with money 360 degrees. <3

BOOK NOTES: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

RETIREMENT PLAN

 

Assalamualaikum

You all know how I loved to shop right? Well, if we're being real, I still do but now I have more self-control than before. Wahhhh siapakah perempuan ini? My wake up call is this question;

When should I retire?

As I was calculating how much I need to retire, to my surprise (not really), ehhh I don’t have enough? I don’t know why I think I had it all, and yang paling kelakarnya I was even having this impression that my company has some sort of retirement benefit padahal takde. Haha apakah. 

Going back to my retirement plan, my calculation is simple, too simple that my calculation could be frown upon by my accounting friends, my lecturers might disown me, tapi takpelah, I forget how to calculate future benefits or time value of money etc etc already, so yeap, if you want professional accounting advice, don’t proceed guys. Mine is really simple.

So here goes,

When I want to retire: 50 years old

How long I want to live: till 75 years old

How much I want as my monthly allowance: RM5,000

How much do I need

= no. of years after retirement x (RM5,000 x 12 months)

= (75-50+1) x (RM5,000 x 12)

= RM1,560,000

WHAT.THE.

WILL.MY.EPF.EVER.REACH.A.MILLION? NEVER!

Takut tak? I was scareddddd and this is even the altered version. The first version was I retire at 40 and live till 85. BERAPE JUTA PULAK TU? Seriously, I was like sempat ke tak nak kumpul duit ni? Simpanan pun takde. Insaf guys insaf. I want to change but it’s so hard, I was a complete shopaholic, someone who spent everything she earned, sometimes I macam malu when people thought I was joking when I said I don’t have any saving, I wasn’t, I seriously don’t have any, people thought it’s ridiculous and impossible to spend all that money in a month....hmmmm...no, it’s not impossible -_- .

So when I realised I don’t have enough to retire, menggigil sis. This calculation forced me to reevaluate the way I live my life. This is my wake up call to fix my shopping habit, and I did. Alhamdulillah. At 30 years old, I finally have saving! Although I have to admit, this changes doesn’t happen overnight. It took me around 2 years to reach this level, still tak betul jugak, sometimes I still make impulse purchase, I still haven’t reach the minimum level of saving (6 months salary). Despite all that, to see numbers in my bank account, I am still proud of myself, Good job dear self. ❤

I now preach for saving. I, yes me, has been shamelessly asking other people to save as well. Haha. Who knows that this day would come? I mean, spend all you want, but the minute you spend without saving, or you touch your EPF/saving for something not of a necessity, i’ll be there to nag you on your retirement plan.

I mean, tak takut ke kene kerje bila tua?

Unless you are a government staff, then you can ignore me, pension is king. 👑

Having said all that, I still shop guyssss jangan ingat I have gone extreme and decided to convert to minimalism. Am not. But now I have a budget. I set aside my saving first (everyone has been doing this for years I know), then I set a weekly budget and only spend that for that week. Fuh, berjaya. Sometimes kalau macam betul2 tak tahan nak shopping sangat, I buy gold. Lol. I don’t feel as guilty buying gold because to me gold I can resell if I really need the money.

My point is this, make a saving plan that is specific to you. You know yourself best. I boleh berbuih2 ceramah tapi kalau that plan doesn’t suits you, it’s still not going to work. Consistency is key.

Sikit sikit lama2 jadi bukit. Good luck peeps.

RETIREMENT PLAN

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

BIGGEST LESSON OF 2020

 To not be so hard on yourself.

Wah typicalnyaaaa. -_-

 Assalamualaikum

I should explain. In the past years, I never considered myself as someone who is hard on herself. I mean, if I was, why was I so happy when I scored 52 on my ACCA P1 paper lol. If I was someone that put pressure on herself, I should have aim to win the world prize or something...but I did not. So I thought I was the laid back, chill kind. lol. But as it turns out, grades were the only one that I don't care, everything else, well, to put it simply, nothing in my life was up to my standard.

You see, I am always interested in life, I have this big ideas on how life should be, I wanted that perfect life, I wanted to be that perfect being; which of course, is setting myself up for disappointment because there is no such thing as perfect in this world. Who am I to think that I am an exception. I can't and will never be perfect. So whenever I try to built a "good" habit let say, in the beginning, I would feel so good because wow I'd successfully done it for like a month or two, that's an achievement right? but then, the minute I felt lethargic and missed like a week, I got disappointed, I scold myself, and I gave up on it because why bother. I am going to slip anyway.

🤦‍♀️

Teruk sangat perangai ni.

And if I were to justify why I am such a procrastinator, I think this has got to do with the fear of letting myself down as well because you see, starting something means you have to finish it, and finishing something gives an outcome, outcome of something may or may not be up to my standard and when things is not up to my standard, I'll be disappointed, I scold myself, the whole things repeat itself!

This year was full of "disappointment". This is trying trying time. Nothing is normal, MCO disturb everything. MCO even kills all the "good" habit that I manage to keep. Productivity was out of the window. I was down most of the time. I was down when I don't work as much, when I woke up late, when I slept late, when I gained weight, when I prayed late, when I don't touch the Quran, but when I tried to look at the bright side, when I tried to appreciate the fact that I am not infected with COVID-19, I am able to pay my bills, I don't need to withdraw my EPF, I still have a job and the fact that I like it's raining, I instantly feel guilty because well, you insensitive brat, people are suffering!

Overwhelming year, I know.

I was so tired of everything I decided f**k this shit. I will not care anymore. haha. and I got happier? serious talk, the minute I decided that I will not care, to take things slow, to forgive myself every time I slip, I got much happier than before. I have finally become the cool ones guyssss, lol, sometimes too cool that I let myself do mistakes, repeatedly, because I know that I'll bounce back soon. This is all thanks to this thing I read online, I don't know from where I read it, I would have credited the author if I know, but this is something that passed my timeline one day,

"Each prayer time is a new opportunity to be better,"

Why is that so cool? You know how people say things like how each day is a new day to be better, while I think that's cool, thinking that each prayer time is a new opportunity to change is even cooler! That is like what, five times a day, five timelines to change your life! It's no more "new year new me," it's the "new Asar, new me!". I know you can't hear me but I am practically shouting now guysss! I don't know mannn, something about having too many opportunities to change just motivates me so much, and since I now have a lot of opportunities, I have stop being hard on myself, because well, now I don't have to wait, I can just bounce back in the next prayer time.

Who would have thought a sentence can make it this easy to stand back up from a fall.

And on being insensitive, this might be so selfish of me to say, but I decided to feel what I want to feel. Everyone has their own life, you have your own, I have my own, I want to focus on the good in my life, I want to be grateful for the things that I have. I have it, God bless me with it, I will enjoy it. I learn that I can enjoy my life but at the same time have empathy on others. We all should not be down together, we should understand each other.

So that's basically sums up my 2020, a year that I decided to f**k this shit.

Happy New Year guys. No matter what it might be, may you always find good in everything, Insyaallah.

BIGGEST LESSON OF 2020

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

A PHOTO A DAY

Assalamualaikum

I am currently trying to build a habit to take a photo/videos everyday. I decided to do so after Ayu pointed this out,

Her: Weh teruk gila phone kau. Semua gambar pokok je (plantzoo product shoot).

 

At the time, months had passed without a single photo on my life. When I reflected upon it, I realised, pre-Covid, I only took photos of me on the way to work, my life with my colleagues, outing with friends and family or trips. I almost never took any photos at home. So Covid = cannot go out = no photo

No wonder 2020 feels stagnant. I have no proof that I live through it!

So that's what I've been doing...take a photo everyday. I don't even care if it is not aesthetically pleasing (not that I know how to take good photos -_-). I just snap random moment, like....

That time when Yati send me a birthday cake and present

That rare moment when Faiz decided to cook for lunch (See what I mean by "I don't care if the picture looks good" lol

That time when I finally setup a proper home workstation

That time when I pretend that my new workstation has a direct correlation with my productivity

On rare occasion where I dressed up and go out (I don't like Covid but I must admit, I like this "mask on" new normal)

and many moreeeee private moments....it's been fun =P

***

On another note, I recently decided to journal again in Day One (last entry was in June oppss). Why do I feel the need to journal again? During the time when I did journal consistently, I realised that it has make me a more grateful person overall. I became more conscious of my life, I realised all the small details, the small joy and achievement, the little steps I took, which TBH, it'll otherwise overlooked if I don't process my day.

Journal helps me differentiate between having merely existed and actually living a life, which is something that I very much need this time around, to be aware of life.

If you don't know where to start, consider this 5 minutes AM and PM prompt I got of Day One and google.

5 minutes AM (as soon as you wake up)

1. I dreamt about.....
2. What would make today great?
3. Daily affirmation.

 

5 minutes PM (before bed)

1. Three things that happened today:
2. How could I have made today better?
3. Today I'm grateful for...

Or just use Day One :P. It's free (limited features).

I know some of my friends don't journal because they don't know what to write, even with the prompt, they have to think hard on what to pin down but babe, you don't have to be serious all the time. After all, this journal is for you and your eyes only. It's not like you're going to publish it anywhere.

For reference, this is my answer several days ago when I woke up really tired and lazy;

5 minutes AM (as soon as you wake up)

1. I dreamt about.. goblet of fire
2. What would make today great? If I work
3. Daily affirmation. I am rajin

 

Lol. That was me trying to pujuk myself to wake up and work -_- Very short and malas answer :P 

Start somewhere. You'll soon realised how uplifting journaling is.

***

On another different note, pandemic has force me to re-organise my gallery, and then was when I discover pile of random videos waiting to be compiled. Here is the first one, sorry in advance for the poor quality.

A PHOTO A DAY

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

THE PERFECTION TRAP

 

Assalamualaikum

Recently, my company organize this new female mentoring program for us. It's a small book club kind of circles (4 mentees and 1 mentor in each circle) where we all need to read this book "How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back From Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job".

First and foremost, let me talk about the book. I haven't finish the book as I want to follow the course of the program, but from the chapters that I've read, some habits are nothing new, bad habits that we ourselves know we have. However, some are really eye-opener. I find myself doing this a lot while reading the book, I stop and reflect on things that happened/did not happen because of the way I reacted to a certain situation.

I personally like the book. I think it’s a shame that it’s marketed only towards professional female adult. I think this book could benefit everyone; men/women, professional/non professional, matured/young.

Onto our mentoring session. The chapter that we discussed for our first session is "The Perfection Trap". Here is what I find interesting; we have so much in common! Some of them are:

1. When giving example on unhealthy perfectionism within oneselves that we need to fix, our mentor mentioned about being so particular about font type and size. The rest of us literally went OMG me too! Well, what are the odds that all of us can relate? haha.
2. While other mentees in the call are all successful woman with good career progression, we all confess that at a point in time, we all preferred to work with male bosses than women due to this unhealthy perfectionist women tend to be.
3. We think men are a good sales person. Although not all, some really know how to sell themselves even when they know nothing, which is a good thing in a way, because they are always ready to take opportunity whenever it comes. The “fake it till you make it” thing. Women on the other hand are a bit reluctant to take up offers in areas that they are not quite well versed on and tend to self-doubt a lot.
4. We all take a long time to draft emails. We read emails over and over and over again to make sure we use the right wording.

That font and email thing is so simple but why do we fall on this perfection trap? It’s not like it will change the business or anything. -_-

***

What the book says about "The Perfection Trap"

1. Women are more vulnerable to perfection trap. Why? Because we were brought up that way. Thinking back, we are thought to be graceful, to be obedient. Girls are always expected to be a certain way; speak a certain way, sit a certain way, eat a certain way and many more. Therefore we react by striving to meet the expectation, to get everything right, to be perfect. Whereas boys are given much more latitude. Imagine a naughty kid, a girl will be seen as disgraceful while a boy, well, boys will be boys they say.
2. The cost of falling into the perfection trap - As a boss, the person would be over controlling and judgmental; he/she will micromanage everything. He/she will want to be involve in everything; does not delegate work which in return is self sabotaging as he/she would get tired and stress from doing all the work. Other than that, from employees POV, having a perfectionist boss will limit their growth. 
• They will not take responsibility for their own work as they have this default mentality that their boss will finalised everything. 
• This can also limit creativity of the team members. No one wants to put out new idea if the idea is not throughly thought through yet.
3. Perfection doesn’t exist. People will make mistake.
4. The healthy perfectionist - He/she notice the detail, but considers things in a larger context.This person is good at delegating, knows how to prioritise and get comfortable taking measured risk.

***

Why I think this can be applied outside of professional setting?

If you’re a mom, ask yourself this; are you handholding your child in every turn of their life because you want them to be perfect? Do you do house chores yourself because if others do it, they’ll never be able to match your standard? If yes, then you too have fall into the perfectionist trap.

***

I guess everyone’s mantra should be this going forward,

Perfection does not exist.

THE PERFECTION TRAP

Wednesday, December 2, 2020

TO-DO-LIST

Assalamualaikum 

Life update - do I still like to work from home? Yes I do, very much. I like the fact that my workstation is only few feet apart from my bedroom, I like the fact that I don’t have to waste both time and money to drive back and forth the office, I like that I am home as soon as I finish work. For someone with a lot of hobbies, this arrangement allows me to spend more time doing other things that I love.

However, as much as I love WFH, WFH has cluttered my mind more that I think it would. I thought transitioning from office to home would be easy. I'll have more time for myself, I said. While I do save some time by not driving to work etc etc, with various changes I have made to my life to adapt to the current situation, I now have more things to sort on a daily basis compared to before. Things like fixing my own breakfast (which I will otherwise skip when I am working from office), more laundry and dishes to wash, tending to my increasing collection of plants and many more. While I love some of the new tasks, having to remember to do them periodically sometimes give me anxiety. 

Have I water my plant? Have I hang the laundry? Have I this? Have I that? Sometimes, when I realized that I haven't completed a task, it's too late in the day that I could not do it within the day itself. I got demotivated, scolded myself, I think too much about it to the point that I can't sleep. 

I was exhausted both mentally and physically.

I recognize that this problem and was finding ways to automate and declutter my mind. That was when I was re-introduced to the concept of to-do-list. lol, it's a simple concept I know I've tried keeping one myself, multiple times actually, and every single time, after a certain period of time, this too, slowly become something that I forgot to maintain. -___- 

What changes this time around?

1. My mindset. 

I enter into this journey with the mindset that I need a better life. I sat with myself and we had a serious talk on commitment, on how I wanted this process to last, on how I wanted this process to actually be my way of life. I promise myself that I'll commit.

2. I keep it real. 

One of the major reason why I fail my previous attempt was because I tend to complicate things. I add a lot of things into the list. I even added things that I don't even do on a daily basis just because they are supposed to be the "better way to live life", things like exercise, read books etc etc, I added them to the list. Of course, they are indeed good for your life but if in reality it's not me, I might do it for the first day or two, but faking things has it expiration date, soon, I left the items untick from my to-do-list, in the end the list become just another list that I can ignore rather than complete. This time, I keep it real. No more exercise in my list lol. I stick to the real tasks that I need to complete within the day.

3. I automate the process.

For things that I'll repeat periodically, I'll schedule it to repeat based on their interval. This is more on the decluttering my mind part. For example, since I only water my outdoor plants every other day, I make the list to repeat itself every two days. This way, I eliminate the mental space of having to remember when to water my plants, the apps will tell me that it's the day. You have no idea how much I use this function. I use it for even simple things like when to wash my hair, when to change the sheets, when to charge my watch, basically everything routine that I need to remember, I pin it down.

4. Do it digitally.

Of course, for me, point no 3 will only work digitally. If I were to do it on a physical paper, I still need to remember the days of when I need to get it done, which is not quite long term for me. Plus, since I carry my phone everywhere anyway, I love the convenience of having it close to me all the time. I can check and tick of the list whenever I want. 

How has it been?

This has improve my life, tremendously, especially through the automation process. With the automation, I now have the day all plan out for me without the fear of missing anything. My life become much smoother than before.

I now have clearer mind as well. I wake up with only one thing in my mind, to check my to-do-list. With clearer mind, gone are the anxieties as well. I am a much happier person overall.

Plus, I recently schedule to update my cash flow tracker weekly as opposed to monthly (payday), in return, I am now living a much more conscious financial life. Why is this important? Well, the short story is, I have a credit card. hahahahahahahahahhahaha. so yup, like any other irresponsible credit card owner, I spend spend spend lavishly monthly without even caring whether I am in the position to actually spend that much. Then, when the monthly review comes, that's when I realized I spend a lotttt more that I have, I'll regret the whole thing, but I'll repeat the same thing in the following months, regret, spend, regret, spend. -___________- Now, with this weekly cash flow update, my credit card has been ZERO for the past two months say whatttt. 

***

As someone who used to half-ass anything, I just want to take this opportunity to compliment myself for a job well done. Well done dear self for staying consistent for the past two and a half month. Let's stay consistent for years to come ^__^

TO-DO-LIST

Wednesday, November 18, 2020

FICTION

Assalamualaikum

I have a question,

"Is reading fiction better than watching a drama?" 

like any normal person with question living in this era, I googled it. I need to know. 

Why is this important to me? I am addicted to TV that is why lol. I consume my fiction from TV so I don't think I need it from books as well and when I have enough willpower to finally sit and read, it has to be a non-fiction.  To me, non-fiction bring new value to my life as opposed to fiction books.

So, is one really better than the other?

Not surprisingly, a lot of articles backed by scientific research concluded that reading is better. I won't argue. However, I would like to also bring light to the fact that with most scientific studies based on people's reaction and development,  the result almost never shows 100%, because humans are not a fixed variable, no one person is the same than the other. In fact, 2:55pm me writing this on 22 October 2020 is not the same me who publish this tomorrow at 12pm on 23 October 2020. So when studies shows that "Most do bla bla bla," "most people reacted xxxx," we have to be open to the fact that they are people out there that don't react like most people.

***

The articles said that watching tv is a passive activity whereas reading is an active one. One very important reason they point out is the fact that when you watch tv, you passively accept the digested information rather than process it yourself. Reading on the other hand, makes you imagine stuff and process the information on your own, therefore making your brain really active.

While I agree with what they say about reading fiction, I would like to argue that watching fiction is not as passive as it seems to be. For me at least, I don't take things on the surface level. I processed my dramas too, evidently from various drama reviews I've written on this platform.

And if I want to be petty and further argue the points in my favour, remember the time when people wanted to check out Parasite after they won so many awards, only for the majority of them (especially from english speaking countries) to be disappointed with the fact that they have to read (subtitles) too. So, technically, when I watch a drama, that is also me reading for hours :P I mean, a korean mini series is around 16 episodes, imagine that 16 episodes worth of subtitles, how many pages in a book that is?

So while I still agree that reading is generally still a better option, watching fiction is not the bad end of the stick either. Especially now when TV is not just about romance and makjang (soap opera) anymore. There is so much more we can learn from TVs as long as you pick the right thing to consume. For example, in this twitter post made by Dr Beni Rusani on Laryngoscope, if you see the comments, most already know this device from various TV series they watched!

I guess, in the end, the conclusion is this, you do you (overly used conclusion). I personally don't like to read fiction but it's not that I shut fiction completely off my life. I have multiple moments when I picked up a fiction books and love it but generally, if I were to choose one over another, I would prefer to just watch my dramas and as for reading, I leave it for my non-fiction.

In the end, I guess, this is just another episode of me trying to justify my choices in life. haha. Luckily I am not an influencer lol.

FICTION

Friday, October 23, 2020

FRIENDS AGAIN!

Assalamualaikum

Looking at the bright side, fixing my relationship with my Terendak girls is among the best thing that has come out of this pandemic. 

No. We did not putus kawan or anything but you know, the classic happened, we drifted apart, although it was not our intention to make it go this bad, life sort of got in the way, everyone got married, have kids, or in my case I've been busy with work and travel, Anut moves to JB, scheduling meet up got harder and harder. In the end, everyone just stop trying.

Since I can only speak for myself, if I am being real, at least for me, I stopped trying because I don't want to disturb them, they all have their own little family now, Whenever things happened, I did not reached out because I didn't want to add my problem to their already full plate. It's Lily and Marshall's "8 or higher rule". Although, if I pay close attention to  the series, I would have known that the rule has serious flaw, it pushes people apart. Plus, this shows how narcissistic I was. I wasn't the only one struggling, my friends are struggling too. By not reaching out to each other, all of us were left alone (well not really alone, but without each other) in our trying times.

Then comes MCO. Although my other relationships suffer, things got better with my girls. We reconnected over our new hobbies and interest; tending plants, jamu, house decor, skin care, hair care, the list goes onnn. We met each other so much more this past month, more than the last 5 years combined! We have salon date, dessert date, shopping date, enough said, we're best friends again.

Now, if only Anut can move to the central... 😋

FRIENDS AGAIN!

Friday, September 25, 2020

HAVE YOUR OWN OPINION

 
Assalamualaikum

"Have your own opinion"

That's it. that's the post.

***

Ok sorry, no, I should elaborate.

Before I write this post, I wrote a post titled "Betrayed". I still have it in my draft, and today, I woke up with a totally different view on the situation. 

Basically, this is what happen. I watched drama channel. Yup, among all the things that I did to waste time, watching youtube drama channel is one of them -_______- and in the recent months, there is a lot, I mean a lot lot, back- to-back stories exposing my favourite public figures, celebrities and youtubers which somehow makes me feel betrayed. haha sibuk je kan nak rasa betrayed bagai. I mean, these are good people, or so I thought, when they got exposed, of course lah I feel betrayed. I looked up to them so much and to know that some are trash, it's heartbreaking. Some of the rumours turns out to be fake, some has more to the stories, some memang true and it's ugly. 

These past situations has made me evaluate my life, on how easily swayed I was with the mass media. I know that we have been warned to not blindly trust anything being put out there, and seriously I thought I was careful. As it turns out, I am a lazy reader too. Yes, I did my "research" but again, that research is also me reading various news articles and trusting them blindly or me watching someone else analyse the situation (which is btw why I love Trevor because he analyse everythinggg), 

Because that is all I did, indirectly, I am absorbing someone else's opinion and take it as mine. The heckkkkk.

So basically this is me, preaching to you to start having your own opinion. To back up your beliefs and opinions based on proper research, take from proper reliable sources, read from multiple sources and then form your own opinion.

p/s: funny how I get all this from my experience reading/watching gossips lol

HAVE YOUR OWN OPINION

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

PLANTZOO

Assalamualaikum

It was not my intention to leave this blog unattended for so long, but somehow, it happened. This time, it was not because I was uninspired or anything, it was more on - I need time to relearn myself. The changes is not subtle I tell you, I won't say that I am a completely different person, but close, maybe around 70%? Yes that sounds about right.

***

On a different note, I started a business!! This time it's for real for real, because this time I am not doing it alone. I have Ayu to keep my motivation in check. haha. Actually we're each other motivation. When one wanted to give up, the other push the other to move forward.

Plus, this time I am doing something that I really really like, it's not like when I was selling tudung & clothes, that business was easy and gives good money, but, I don't really know nor interested in fashion. Though I must say, nowadays, tending plants feels like work too hahahahha. I used to love to go to nurseries, now, it feels like work. It's normal I guess, feeling comes and goes but what's different this time around is, plants are living things. They keep giving you reasons to love them with every milestone, I got excited. When new leaves came out, when new flowers came out and when I discovered new plants. I guess it's true too when people say as long as you keep falling in love, you're good.

One of the question that we got a lot is "Is this a temporary thing? Are we following trends during MCO?"

No.

This has been an on and off thing between me and Ayu, ever since we started getting into cactus and succulents few years back. We always wanted to open a mini nursery where we're surrounded by plants all day everyday. I even tried it once, I don't think I mentioned it here but I used to sell succulents to my colleagues, but at the time, we were inexperience plus we are quite broke ourselves to come out with the initial capital. With MCO though, with the rise in demands for houseplants and we somehow manage to save some money due to moratorium, we decided to push through with the plan.

and here we are now. <3

Pray for us guys. I really really really want to live long with my business.

If you are interested in plants, visit our website at plantzooshop.com or our  instagram @plantzoo.my

#donepromote

PLANTZOO

Thursday, August 6, 2020

FIRST VLOG

Assalamualaikum

Fact: I miss compiling videos. I miss the feeling of having a finished product after hours of compiling random videos. I used to only compile my travel videos until I realised I was glorifying holidays too much. Is my everyday life not as interesting as my life during travelling? It probably is hahaha but it's definitely not unimportant. My daily, mundane, boring life is also as important if not more crucial for my existence. So this year, I started this monthly instastory series where I compile random videos that I shot for the month into several seconds of instastory video. Unfortunately, with the MCO, that plan was put on a halt too. My last instastory video was in March. T-T

Fast forward to today, this happen...

I feel more alive than I've been in months! I love how this turns out. I mean, yes, I still have lots of areas I need to improve on but for now, I just want to appreciate the fact that I started creating again. ❤ anddddd can we also appreciate that this was shot and edited on my phone. My still working Iphone 7!

***

I love keeping memories and to share good stuff that I learn/encounter. It's the very same reason why this blog exist. However, I am also very shy in a way that I don't like to be in front of the camera and I don't like attention. I initially thought that you have to be pretty to vlog. I mean, come onnnn, look at how pretty and fashionable all the vloggers are. Little did I know, I was limiting myself to only specific type of content on youtube. This year, silent vlogs keeps popping up on my Youtube recommendation and boy was I surprised. It's a whole different community out there. The community of "headless" (only show half of their body) vloggers and "silent" (speaks through caption) vlogger. 

I thought to myself, "eh this is doable," (me and my never ending over confident)

Now that I think this is doable, I need to choose my audience. This is my "like to share good stuff" persona. As shy as I am, idokla nak syok sendiri, sendiri upload, sendiri je view. If that's the case I might as well not upload it anywhere. If that's the case I should just keep it on my computer. 

However, even this is not easy. I wanted to share but I don't want people to be forced to consume my content. Unfortunately, that is what instagram is. As long as you're my follower, you will be fed my content, regardless you want it or not. Of course, you can always unfollow people but even that is a little bit complicated than it seems. That is a whole different blog post, i'll write about it someday. So yup, at this point, I don't want to continue my monthly instastory series. Hence the decision to upload on youtube.

Unlike any other social media, for both this blog and my youtube page, you consume my content because you want to. For whatever reason, you're here because you care about me enough to know what I have been up to/ what I love to share. I am not a famous blogger/vlogger, never I intended to become one, my circle is really really small and I love this small circle of mine ❤ I guess what I am really saying is, thank you for liking my content enough to keep coming back ❤

P/S: I am into plants these days, expect more plant content. 

FIRST VLOG

Saturday, May 30, 2020

ALL THE LITTLE THINGS

Assalamualaikum

Oh wow blogger template has change how long have I been gone? Macam sekejap je tapi kenapa macam banyak sangat berubah ni? O.O We can now even blog from mobile devices which hello, I like. <3

Well, I should explain, to you readers everything is the same because that's the design that I let you see but to me, the writer, wow, the landing page for the writer has change so much that I feel somehow, old? Now I kinda feel like I am the inflexible old woman who resist change -_______- but seriously guys, I am all for better improvement but the new interface is much more complicated than the old one and to be honest, guys, it's uglier. Okay to be fair, the old ones looks outdated as if the interface hasn't change since blogger was first invented but the new ones, it's not as hip as what you would imagine a 2020 interface looks like. (p/s: look at me saying interface as if I know what interface mean -___-)

I wish I could show you. Well, I could, I could screenshot this for you but meh, am too lazy for that haha. You should have your own blogger account to experience this. That would be faster than well, me becoming rajin.

***

Wow a whole three paragraph of me showing people how old I've become. -_________-

***

In case you're wondering why I am rambling, that's because I miss writing. I haven't write both online and offline for so long and I am starting to get restless. So here I am blogging again during office hour. -_______- I have to somehow. Especially now that Ayu and I have all this big plans and I can't wait to spill it but I also kind of can't completely spill it because well, kalau tak jadi macam mana? For now, all I can say is, please please please pray for us guys. I humbly request that you pray that Allah make it easy for us <3

***

I feel so uninspired to write nowadays. I mean, I wanted to continue the Hokkaido series but I don't think anyone has the mood to see anyone's travel updates at the moment...but at the same time I don't want to forgo them completely because that's like my first trip overseas with my family I would want to keep the memories somehow. Dilemma sungguh. 

***

Speaking of family, we finally know what Emak's MBTI is! I have always been curious but I don't know how to make her do the test. All the test online is in english. However, as fate would have it, Farid was streaming "My Introvert Boss" (poor drama choice) on TV and we got to discuss about how everyone in the family is an introvert except for Emak, she's clearly an extrovert. And then we proceeded to prove who's more introvert by flaunting how high our introvert percentage from MBTI test (yes guys, it got weird). So Emak was curious what we're talking about so we made her take the test. Translating the test to BM is a whole different kind of weird. Who would have thought a good student like Dik Yah is so bad at explaining? She basically direct translate everything like heh? Some words don't even make sense. 

And yup, it's proven. Emak is an extrovert. A high extrovert at that. 

***

On another note, I finally went back to my home after 4 weeks of MCO andddd boy my plants died. T-T

Sorry that you meet such irresponsible owner T-T

***

That's it guys, that's the post. Me rambling about random stuff. Congratulation on reaching the end of the post, you survive! You are a true friend >.<

Btw have I wish you Selamat Hari Raya? no? Eid Mubarak guys Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin <3

***

Final p/s: Not that anyone is curious but if you're new to my blog and has only been consuming my latest blog posts, this is the real me. The rambling writer me. The mature writer persona was quarantine me, I got tired haha. penat sungguh acah deep ni.

ALL THE LITTLE THINGS

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

THE GIFT OF NOW

Assalamualaikum

From Surah Yusuf,

Kill Yusuf or cast him out to another land, only then, the favour of your father may be given to you alone, and after that you’ll be righteous people. (Yusuf 12:9)

In this ayah, Yusuf’s brothers were brainstorming on what to do with Yusuf; they were jealous that their father Ya’akub only had eyes for Yusuf and his brother (although this is just their perception, I mean come onnn, do you tell me that Ya’akub, a prophet played favouritism? Of course no)

If I were to read this surah alone, I wouldn’t think this deep about the ayah...I would be like okay they’re bad people.

However, during last Sunday session of Ramadan Daily Dose, The Handsome Story of Yusuf, this ayah was discussed in depth. You see, from this ayah, Prophet Yusuf's brothers knew what they were about to do is wrong, but they still proceed to do it anyway and contradictory enough, after they get rid of Yusuf, they plan to be good people. Only after they do that hideous act, they wanted to repent.

What are they doing here?

They’re committing sin with the intention to repent.

This makes me reflect so much on my life right now. How many times did I asked Allah to wait? I’ll be doing something that he doesn’t like but in my heart I’ll be like “Ya Allah sorry buat jugak bende ni, tapi kalau tak buat nanti jadi xyz,” or sometimes I’ll be like “hmmmm takpe kot buat macam ni sekarang, nanti dah tua tak buat dah,” To me, those things were not that big, I mean, at least I didn’t kill, steal, or drink alcohol or something. But here’s the thing about bad deed done consistently, it’ll make the tiny black spot you have in your heart, the portion of syaitan, bigger and bigger until it completely turns your heart black.

Where is your Sami’na wa ata’na (I hear and I obey) dear self? :( 

Do you do it too? Postponing your good deeds for later? When is later? Is later even promised to us? What if tomorrow, or to be dramatic, what if in the next hour our time is up? Later never came and we never repent; then we’re truly became the ones in a loss. T-T

When is the best time to start? Now. We might not have later but we have now for sure. May Allah ease your journey back to him. <3

THE GIFT OF NOW

Saturday, May 2, 2020

THE NEW NORMAL

Assalamualaikum

Hi guys, how are you? how are you holding up? I hope you are all still in good health, safe and happy wherever you are. Me? I am really enjoying this right now. I've found peace with staying at home and working from home. Surprisingly I've been busy, busier than before MCO. With so many things to do, I'm keeping a schedule just to make sure I sort everything out. Schedule guys schedule! Something that the past me won't understand. I was definitely not the "fill your time with something meaningful" person, I am more of a "sleep and stare at the ceiling all day" kind of person. So having a schedule is huge! #fliphair What's more shocking is..........wait, you need to be ready for this.......are you ready?.........sure?.........here comes.........I've been working out!!! I've lost several kilos already say whattt?

How. is. this. even. possible? =P

Several weeks ago, while living like a complete parasite (seriously sikit lagi je macam nak kene halau dari rumah), this came into my life,

Before I continue, I think I need to put out some disclaimer. After MRSM, I rarely (almost never) perform any solat sunat, even the fardhu pun I macam sometimes do combos, which I am not in any way proud of, so kids, don't follow. However, when I got the list I was like, hmmm this is a doable. What? level confident apakah ini? Tidakkah awak mahu mengukur baju di badan sendiri? But to my surprise it's really doable (except for Qiyam that is still tough), and somehow, fascinatingly enough, although I became busier I feel like I have more time compared to when I was melepek and wasting time? I guess it has something to do with having your days revolved around the prayer times. Having settled the most important meeting (solat) early on in my schedule keeps my mind at peace when I want to start doing something else.

However, why is this possible for someone like me? 

After much reflection, the only explanation that I can come out with is this, God wants me to. He ease everything because He wants me to. He gives me the strength and the confidence to push through because He wants me to. awwwwww level kasih sayang apakah ini? terharunyaaa. Thank you Allah <3

Am I bragging about my God? Of course! My God is The Greatest and to top it all of He loves me. Allah The Greatest loves me. Of course I want to brag about it. But here's the thing, He loves you too and always! The fact that you're reading this list too (not my writing I am just rambling -_____-) is also a proof that maybe it's doable for you to >.< 

May God ease everything to you.

***

Having said all that, I still believe what I wrote here. Only you and God knows the real you, so you do you no matter what stages you're in. This blogpost was meant to just document my personal journey, which could be very different from you and that's really okay <3

THE NEW NORMAL

Friday, April 24, 2020